The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

As much good work that  can be accomplished while undergoing the marriage counseling process, one bigger question is, “Can the changes be sustained once the couples are once again on their own?”   If they don’t have the tools to sustain the process, what they learned in the therapist and through practice while in the therapy process – might end up a fleeting memory as the same of other issues of contention come up down the line.

According to Steven Stosny, Ph.D, the “most powerful of neurological principles: habituation,” should not be ignored.  Through the study of neuroscience we have learned that, “Neurons that fire together wire together” and what this means for well meaning couples wanting for the changes made in counseling to stick, one way to facilitate this is by establishing new patterns through repetition.

In the article by Dr. Stosny, Old Habits Die Hard: Making Couples Therapy Stick, in the recent issue of Psychotherapy Networker, he lists some ways that couples can make their changes last, by encouraging “new patterns that may become stronger than old ones.”  Myself, being particularly interested in neuroscience and Interpersonal Neurobiology recently, his suggestions completely resonated with this lens and fits with the most current research coming out around how to facilitate healing between people – and the role that rewiring the brain can have in this.  Yes, the brain can be rewired.  According to Dr. Daniel Siegel at a recent workshop I attended and leading figure in this movement, the brain can rewire across the lifespan.

I’d like to touch on a few of the ways Dr. Stosny described as ways to facilitate this process – and make couples therapy changes stick.  Here they are:

• Daily Rituals:  Incorporate nonverbal acknowledgements (gestures) at major transitional times (getting out of bed, leaving for work, coming home or going to bed) that demonstrate your partner’s importance to you.  Give your partner full-body hugs six times a day, for at least 6 seconds (the frequency and duration increases chance of oxytocin – bonding hormone – release).  Think positive thoughts about your partner at least five times a day.

• The Fire Extinguisher Effect:  Find something that can symbolize what they’ve learned in therapy.  One great tip by Dr. Stosny was to create a mini booklet with a few pages of skills, insights and tools acquired - with a picture of a big fire extinguisher on the cover.  If things get difficult, you can refer to your “in case of emergency” reminder handbook.

Couples spend their hard earned money and time attempting to heal their marriages and relationships.  The above mentioned ideas, and likely many others, are great ways to continue the work of re-training your brain and develop a new more healthy, loving, connected pattern together.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist and author of Therapy-At-Home Workbooks®,  a cost effective alternative to premarital and marriage counseling.  See more therapy and counseling articles  in The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com. 

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