The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

Intimacy – physical and emotional – is essential for any long-term intimate relationship to succeed. Our intimacy needs vary from each other, and thus do our relationships. The quality of your intimacy can determine the quality of your relationship. When our relationships flourish so do our lives.

I hear too many complaints from couples who have been together for a long time and one partner or both either says, “I just don’t feel attracted to them [the other partner] anymore,” “I’ve lost my sex drive,” “My partner is just hornier than I am,” or just plain, “We don’t have sex anymore.”

1. The most important thing is communication. I am not talking about simply petting the pink elephant in the corner of the room, by saying, “Oh, how cute,” or “Poor little starving pink elephant over there,” because believe it or not alot of couples actually talk and joke about the fact that they don’t have sex anymore, but no one is willing to do anything about it. That is NOT communication. That is placating the situation. Someone needs to take the bull by the horns and start the chain of change. What this means is one person in the relationship needs to say “This is what I want from you, “ “this is what turns me on,” and “this is what I need,” and/OR, “Tell me what youneed/want/desire from sex.” The other person then must respond honestly, and genuinely both remembering that your partner is not a mind reader, and that this is a two way street. READ: You must COMMUNICATE. Tell your partner what you want, need, desire, etc… If you do not, your partner will never be able to please you, which in turn can lead to imbalance, anger, resentment, isolation, depression, etc..

2. Initiate Change, Initiate Sex. I suggest that each partner initiate sex at least once a week. There has to be some meeting your partner half way. The cards have to be balanced.

3. Rise to the occasion, so to speak. You might be upset with your partner about any number of things (money, the children, chores) or even plain and simply annoyed at how your lover or partner is approaching you sexually, well here is your opportunity to change the downward spiraling cycle of your dwindling sex life by either responding to their initiation or by addressing what it is that is bothering you. No game playing, no passive-aggressive beating around the bush because you are annoyed, upset, or bitter, these responses will only continue the cycle. Take control of your sex life and your relationship today.

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Mou Wilson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist offering psychotherapy and sex therapy services in Los Angeles, CA.,  for individuals and couples.  Learn more about Mou at www.MouWilson.com.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist, author of The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples and creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.  She has a private practice in Marin County, CA — http://www.MarinTherapyandCounseling.com.

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