The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

Single-hood creates the time so you can prepare for the next relationship, get to know yourself, and get to a good place.

1. Get Educated: Get educated on positive communication and how to handle conflict.  Be prepared so you will be ahead of the game on how to handle it.

2. Increase your Self Esteem: Self esteem keeps us down and impacts how other’s view us, such as posture, how we present ourselves, and how we handle situations.  Challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone and do something that you might avoid in the past. Once again, get educated and take a look at your low self esteem (see my article on building self esteem).

3. Get rid of your Baggage: Baggage is heavy and can really get in the way of the relationship.  If your baggage has hurt you and gets in the way, it is time to open up that baggage and empty it out.  Take some time to work through the “stuff” in the luggage and empty it out so it will no longer hurt you.   Depending on the baggage, depends on the work.  For example, someone abused in the past, needs to find a way to resolve the issue so it doesn’t come up now.  Work with a professional might be beneficial.

4. Practice Connecting Now: Practice makes perfect, so why not practice with your friends and others in how to communicate in a healthy way.  When conflict arises, lean how to navigate through it in a positive manner.  Practice the tuff stuff with friends, family, and co-workers.  If asking for something you need is difficult, practice doing it with a friend, or in the coffee shop.

5. Healthy Coping: Many people find coping tools that help them get through rough emotions, but it can actually hurt relationships.  For example, a woman who gets upset might binge eat or compulsively shop.  And then they feel bad afterwards.  The more coping that comes with a feeling bad afterwards, the more it can hurt the self-esteem and coping.  Instead, when feeling bad, work out or journal so you don’t feel bad afterwards.
6. Change your Reactivity: Many couples who have communication problems is due to how they react on emotions.  Take a look at how you react to painful emotions with your friendships and working relationships.  If your react quickly and get upset, this will impact all the work you have done with communication.  Learn how to moderate your emotions and slow down your reactions.

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Jennine Estes is a Marriage and Family Therapist who does individual and couples therapy in San Diego.  Learn more about her practice at www.estestherapy.com  or visit her relationship tips blog at www.relationshipsintheraw.com .

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of The Healthy Relationships Place – A Relationship Blog; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com: A Resource for Emotional and Relationship Health.

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