The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

Is your relationship going through the “terrible twos?”

Marriage and long-term relationships require a great deal from you. This isn’t bad news, and it shouldn’t be surprising, since you know that anything worthwhile takes effort, persistence and commitment.

Your relationship is no different.

Many couples fail to recognize and commit to the work required to keep their marriage or relationship healthy.

Relationship help: Your brain tricked you, sort of: 

The problem is that our brains have a tendency to trick us when we first fall in love.  Research shows that the brain’s pleasure centers go into overdrive when love is new, and as a result, our mood improves, we become more motivated and focused, and what was once considered uncharacteristic for us (like going dancing until the wee hours of the evening; or sharing our “true” feelings during a three-and-a-half hour conversation) now feels totally normal.   

But around the two-year mark of your relationship, the love chemicals that were bathing your brain go back to typical levels, and when that occurs, the uncharacteristic traits that made you (and your partner) so incredibly endearing during the beginning phase of the relationship may take a leave of absence—leaving you the leftovers of what can feel like a less than ideal partner.  

What was once effortless (i.e., sharing your feelings) now takes work—as a result, marriage problems and increased relationship conflict are likely to intensify at this time.

During this transition period, loving sentiments can give way to incessant complaining.

These complaints usually take the form of:

“You used to be so_________” (fill in the blank: attentive, talkative, passionate, etc).

So the talkative guy you fell in love with now seems more like the stoic, emotionally unavailable type; the person who had energy to take you to a late night movie every weekend is now adamant that s/he has to be in bed by 9:00pm; the wonderfully empathic listener now spends most of his/her time channel-surfing, checking emails and appearing glassy-eyed whenever a conversation runs longer than two minutes. You get the picture.  

Many couples interpret these changes as evidence that they’ve made a big error and ended up with the wrong person, rather than seeing this period as a transition phase of the relationship that requires compromise and the ability to negotiate the emerging challenges.

So rather than assuming your marriage or relationship is inherently flawed, hold onto the perspective that your relationship is going through something that’s akin to the “terrible twos” – a developmental phase that can ultimately make you and your union stronger.

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Rich Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping couples build stronger unions. His marriage and relationship advice has appeared on television, radio and in national magazines.

Learn about Dr. Nicastro’s workbook for couples, Passion, Sex and Intimacy: Keep the Fires of Passion Burning – a reviewed and recommended book by The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist and creator of The Healthy Relationships Place Blog - with relationship articles by relationship professionals; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com: Tools for Emotional and Relationship Health.

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