Help! My Best Friend is Dating a Loser by Jennifer Gauvain, MSW, LCSW
5 Ways to get Brave and Help your Friend Ditch That Loser
“Help! My best friend is dating a loser! What should I do?” As a therapist, that’s a question I hear again and again. Whether it’s friend to friend, mother to daughter, or a sister to sister — we’ve all been there. What do you do?
I recently got a phone call from a woman who was panicked about her sister’s upcoming wedding. “My sister Katie has lost her mind! She’s engaged to a total loser and is about the make the biggest mistake of her life. She’s a brilliant researcher, talented musician and a wonderful friend. Her fiance is out of work and has no ambition. Katie does everything for him. She cooks, she cleans, and she pays his bills while he sits around playing video games all day. I have shared my concerns but she says she loves him and that I simply don’t understand what a great guy he is.”
Unfortunately, Katie’s response is typical. Women put their blinders on when it comes to men and shut out their friend’s comments and concerns. Does that mean we should just keep our mouths shut? Absolutely not!
Do you think your friend is dating a loser? Here are five things you can do to help her see the light:
1. Speak up.
What do you have to lose? There is a good chance your friend will ignore you, but you owe it to her to say something. Yes, she might get defensive or it may damage your friendship. But think about it this way — if she does end up marrying the loser, your friendship will most likely be impacted anyway. Who wants to hang out with an unemployed video-game addict?
2. Validate, then activate.
It’s easier to see the truth from a position of strength rather than weakness. Start off by pointing out some of her best qualities. For example, “I have always admired your compassion for others; you deserve to be treated the same way.” Start with a compliment and she may be more receptive to what you are telling her.
3. Be non-judgmental. You understand your friend’s strengths and weakness. Avoid pushing her buttons. Try to sit down with her and share your concerns in a way that does not come across as judgmental. Don’t say, “We can’t believe you are going to throw your life away by marrying this idiot.” Instead, you can say, “It’s difficult for me to be honest with you because I am afraid it might damage our friendship.” This may give her permission to be honest with herself and open the door for further communication.
4. Shift the focus to you by using “I” statements.
We use this approach a lot in therapy and it is a wonderful tool for defusing difficult conversations. Frame your concerns by starting with “I.” For example: “I feel so uncomfortable when he puts you down and calls you names.” Or say, “I really worry about how isolated you have become since you got engaged to him.” She is much less likely to become defensive with this approach than if you tell her, “You are dating a jackass!”
5. Offer concrete help.
Help your friend by eliminating any excuses she has for not ending the relationship. For example, if she is living with her boyfriend, invite her to stay with you for a few days. Tell her you will help her find a new place and call in the troops to help her pack and move. If wedding plans are underway, tell her that you will cancel the party — and she can cancel the relationship. Say, “I will call all the vendors and try to get your deposits back, plus, I’ll work with your family to take care of the rest of the wedding details.” Lifting these practical burdens may be all she needs to send her boyfriend packing.
It’s hard to watch someone you care about date a loser. One woman who married the wrong guy confided to me, “I wish my friends would have said something to me. I know they didn’t want to hurt my feelings and were afraid to tell me what they really thought. I’m sure I would have been defensive about it, but deep down I knew it was a mistake. Their concerns might have helped me tap into the courage I needed to get out of that misguided relationship.”
So take it from someone who has been there — if your friend is dating a loser, you need to speak up! Your relationship — and her happiness — depends on it.
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Jennifer Gauvain, MSW, LCSW, is a practicing marriage and family therapist and the author of How to Marry the Wrong Guy: A Guide for Avoiding the Biggest Mistake of Your Life. You can learn more about her practice in St. Louis, Missouri by visiting her website.
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Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist and the creator of The Healthy Relationships Place – A Relationship Blog, a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, a resource for emotional and relationship health.
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I called off my wedding a few months before D-Day. From the very beginning i knew my boyfriend was not the right one for me. I would complain about him day-in and day-out. My parents & siblings saw the red flags and gave me subtle hints that he wasn’t the right person, that i should wait for sometime before i took the plunge, but i was adamant. Even my closest confidante felt that we were not meant to be and the marriage would probably end in a divorce but never said a word (he confessed it after i broke up!!!!). I gave the same reasons of “time invested” & the “can get a divorce later on” story & went on with the planning. However one day i was just saying these things to a friend of mine and she was the one who told me not to take the plunge. I had a very nasty fight with her and said i would do it. She just said that if i wanted to destroy my life i could do it but i shouldn’t be tagging her along with me and we can forget that we were ever friends. She’s one of my closest friends and i didn’t want to lose her. At that very point in time i was also having a tough time with my fiance. However, when he got to know i was in two minds, instead of being there for me, he started screaming at me, using foul language and abusing my family & me in the filthiest of terms. I cried a lot that day and it took me very little time to make up my mind that i didn’t want to go down the aisle. I realised how this was a common cycle. How verbally abused i was. How my fiance would always scream at me, not listen to me and then try and make up by saying sorry, also how i would always be blamed for the rage. I realised that after the wedding date & everything got decided on, he became all the more dominating & wanted me to do things his way & would threaten me to call off the wedding so that he could have his way. I was really tired of his attitude. He felt i was his property & one day he even said so in as many words!!! that was when i realised that we were going downhill & yet I turned a blind eye to it.
After the break-up, I had been miserable. I was very confused after the entire incident and i still doubt if i did the right thing, but when i read some paragraphs from “How to Marry the Wrong Guy: A Guide for Avoiding the Biggest Mistake of Your Life”, i realised that i didn’t make a mistake. I have been doing some extensive reading on emotional & verbal abuse too and i have realised how much i have put up with it and how it had affected every aspect of my life. How it had taken a toll on my relationship with my family & other close friends.
Thank you very much for the write-ups. They have helped me to get a clear view of everything that has happened & i am glad to know that my family & friends are there for me & have supported me when i finally called off the wedding.
Cups@83 – Thank you for sharing your story about the difficult decision you faced around calling off your wedding. You deserve a loving, supportive marriage – certainly absent of verbal and emotional abuse! I’m happy to hear you have a good support system around you as well.
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com
Tools for Marriage, Relationship and Emotional Health