Extramarital Affair / Infidelity Recovery by James W. Walkup, D.Min, MFT
After the discovery of an extramarital affair, your life goes crazy. If you have just found out about the infidelity, you feel like everything you had believed is now false. The person you thought you could count on has
betrayed your trust. You are enraged at your spouse and yet are disturbed by self-accusations about what you did wrong. You will find yourself feeling very emotional.
If you had the extramarital affair, you may be relieved that it’s out but feel racked with guilt about hurting someone you do care about. You may be wondering if your spouse can ever move beyond this or will it always be something held over you. You probably do not know what to do about the intensity of your partner’s anger, particularly when it keeps coming up over and over again.
Many questions naturally arise. Should you bother with having marriage counseling or does an affair always lead to divorce. Can you ever trust your partner again. Is there any hope? Can you survive the hurt? Will you ever find life together in your relationship if you stay in the marriage? How do you rebuild a relationship after infidelity?
Relationship counseling at this point can often be helpful when attempting to resolve your relationship.
During the crisis and trauma of an extramarital affair, I help couples move into an exploratory stage of discovering ways to rebuild their relationship. We reduce the unhelpful patterns of anger and conflict and begin to create a new story of what led to the affair. I work to help partners uncover the primary feelings underneath their rage. Partners will be invited to share their feelings in ways that invite the partner’s empathy and understanding rather than triggering defensiveness and counter attacks.
During affair recovery counseling we will create new patterns of interaction, promoting healing and understanding rather than anger and strife. Engaging in relationship counseling after an affair is one of the first steps to building a new relationship. If both partners are willing, relationship recovery can be achieved and a new relationship can be forged.
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Dr. James W. Walkup, D. Min., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York City. To learn more about him see his website at www.dr-jim.com .
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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of The Healthy Relationships Place – A Relationship Blog; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.
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Hi lisa, When I found out my wife’s infidelity I was left devastated, my emotions raw. I was both angry and conciliatory at the same time. It was then that I actually needed someone to talk to.
I did not want to talk about it with my friends or colleagues. I felt I could not burden them with my misery. I look back now and maybe I should of talked to a professional about how I was feeling.
Later when I did get back together with my wife, we felt we should work on rebuilding our relationship without counseling. We had heard some negative comments of couples who had used the services of a counselor.
Many years later we are still together. It was not an easy journey, but we are now stronger than ever!
Raymond -
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m glad to hear you and your wife were able to work through the affair and get your relationship back on track! Counseling can certainly help with this often treacherous process – but in your case it sounds like it wasn’t needed!
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com