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Most simply stated, empathy is the ability to put oneself in another’s shoes – and also the willingness to respond to the person’s needs. I believe it’s one of the most important components of a happy, healthy relationship. Lack of empathy is a very common problem with couples. Many people never learned how to be empathetic from their primary caregivers or weren’t modeled empathy by other important people in their lives. The good news is – it can be taught.

Here are 5 tips to start practicing empathic communication when discussing a difficult subject:

1) Listen without interruption as your partner describes his/her feelings about the subject.  Maintain eye contact and pay close attention.
2) Pause and imagine how your partner might be feeling.  If you grew up without experiencing much empathy, this may be challenging but make the attempt even if you must use logic initially to get there.
3) Reflect back what the partner has said in regards to their feelings such as, “What I’m hearing you say is that you’re upset because…”
4) Validate their feelings such as, “I understand how you would be upset…” You don’t have to get why – just allow them to have their feelings.
5) Offer support by saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, let’s figure this out together.”  If an apology for your behavior is appropriate, do so.  A hug or loving physical touch might also be another connecting and supportive action.

When couples argue, sometimes it’s hard to get to a place of empathy for each other!  But if you slow things down and get out of your anger or hurt long enough to imagine what the other is feeling – you’re on your way to empathic communication and having a loving, emotionally safe and securely attached relationship.

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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is a therapist, author of The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples and The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples.  See more relationship tips and tools by Lisa.

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