Couples Conflict: Stop Blaming Your Partner and Own Your Role
“If she didn’t act like such a brat I wouldn’t blow up!”
I hear this kind of statement in my couples counseling practice a lot – and I understand how easy it is for people to slip into blaming their partner rather than looking at their role. It’s so much easier, isn’t it? Yes but it’s not productive. Though it may be true that your partner’s behavior isn’t very loving, it’s still your responsibility to manage your reactivity and keep your cool. I’ve seen so many couples damage each other with excessive anger; the consequences of allowing the fight-or-flight response take over.
If you’re accustomed to losing your cool in this way, one thing you can do is a self-imposed time-out. This is how it might look:
“Babe, I really need to take a time-out to cool off. I’m taking a walk for a half hour and will be back at 3P.”
In high conflict situations, this is actually a protective and loving act. The idea is that you don’t want to add to the pile of resentment possibly already sky-high. If your relationship is less intense in this area and time-outs aren’t really needed - but you and your partner get into the blame game, try turning that upside down by shining the light onto yourself and your role in the argument. What could you have done better? Could you have used a nicer tone? Could you have chosen less attacking language? Are you venting about something that has nothing to do with the current scenario?
Conflict and arguments cannot exist without two people and the same goes for reconciliation for couples committed to staying as healthy, loving and connected as possible. Demonstrate your respect and love for your relationship by being willing to examine yourself instead of leaping to blame your partner. If you both get on board for this, successful resolution of life’s expected hiccups is reachable.
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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is a couples therapist, writer and creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com. See more marriage and relationship tips by Lisa.
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I talk to my couples about having a built-in scape goat and how easy it is to list their partner’s failings. Challenge is to focus on their own. I too suggest a time out when emotional reactivity gets strong. Allowing ourselves to blow up and inflict damage on our partner is what leads to the avoidance of conflict addressed in your CNN appearance. I recommend that if one partner takes a time out, he or she must provide a time when the conversation can be continued. This allows the other person to let them go and know they, and/or the issue at hand, won’t be left to languish. Thanks for your great advice.
Lesli – I agree that with a time-out, there must be a time given to reconvene. Without it, it’s not fair to the one who is left behind. Great point about working with couples to look at their own short-comings. If both can take responsiblity for their role – they’re on the way to a resolution.
I love getting comments from other therapists – thank you!
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT