The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

This is the first in a series of articles on why people are the way they are in relationships and how they can be different.  The information in the following articles is based on what I am currently learning from a course I am taking with Linda Graham, MFT called, “The Neuroscience of Attachment” and is cutting edge and research based.  There is a growing excitement in the field of psychotherapy around the discovery (2000) that, in layman’s terms, the brain can actually rewire itself.  One therapist in the group said she hadn’t been this excited about the direction of our field in her “35 years” as a licensed psychotherapist.  This is very exciting for me as well considering my practice focus has always been on family of origin issues (including attachment problems) – and how they manifest for people individually and in their relationships.  These new findings not only backs my theoretical ideology – but provides even more hope than ever for positive change.   

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Infant attachment can be described as the drive to seek proximity to the caretaker in times of danger.  Essentially, the safer the baby feels with mom, dad or primary caretaker, the more securely attached he/she is.  There is a mountain of research on infant attachment and how early interactions with caregivers set up “internal working models” that get carried into adulthood - of expectations of how others will behave towards them.   

In recent years there have been newer models developed to describe the way adults in intimate relationships relate to each other.  Their attachment styles can usually be tied to their own experiences and whether they had their needs met or not.  (The subject of “infant attachment,” in and of itself is a big one.  If you’re interested in learning more, look up the work of “John Bowlby.”)

If you find yourself in repeatitive patterns of unhealthy relationships, in whatever form, you might benefit from identifying your attachment style – which not only might answer some fundamental questions for you but also why you get triggered in the ways you do within your relationships and provide clues as to why you might attract certain types of people.

There are four types of adult attachment styles but keep in mind that many people could really categorize themselves as an overlap of several.  Take a look at the list below and see if you can identify with any of them:

1. Secure-Autonomous:   You believe relationships are generally safe.  You are comfortable with emotions and intimacy.  Your are optimistic about relationships lasting and bringing you satisfaction.
2. Avoidant:   You devalue relationships and may feel as if you don’t need them.  You are uncomfortable with intimacy and vulnerability.  You struggle with trusting people.
3. Ambivalent:   You fear and often worry about being abandoned.  You are anxious and have a hard time coping when you’re emotionally triggered.  You feel like a victim.
4. Unresolved/Disorganized:   You struggle to function, control your emotions and may dissociate or “space out.” 

Do you fit into one of these categories of a combination of a few?  If you think back to your childhood and what you know about your experience with you primary caregivers, does it make any sense to you that you might relate to your adult relationships in a similar way?  If you think about it - don’t we all want a “secure base” in our intimate partnerships?  We all want to feel safe and contained.  However, if we didn’t get that in the beginning years of our lives, we might not believe that it’s possible now.  This is where neuroscience comes in – the idea that our brains were wired for us to expect (or not expect) certain responses from the people who mattered most.  However, the fact that new neural pathways can be formed allows for the possiblity for new learning. 

See the next two articles in my series:

The Brain and Relationships Series: How the Body and Brain React to Conflict

The Brain and Relationships Series:  How New Relationship Experiences Can Shift Core Beliefs

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a Marriage and Family Therapist and creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.  Subscribe to Lisa’s monthly newsletter on the home page – for the most recent mental health and relationship articles, tips, tools and advice by Lisa and other professionals.

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