The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

This is the fourth and last article in my Brain and Relationships Series, following on the heels of my last article, “How New Relationship Experiences Can Shift Core Beliefs”

When it comes to the “brain and relationships” we’ve been looking at adult attachment styles (how people seek or don’t seek relational connections), a little about the physiology and neuroscience piece and how new relationships can actually shift the way our brains react – and thus we react – to our partners.

According to Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), couples in counseling should be viewed less through a “power struggle” but a “safety struggle” lens.  Once couples become aware of the cycles operating between them, can identify the core emotions driving their unhelpful behavioral strategies for separation distress regulation, they can begin to break out of their old patterns and form new ones. 

In other words, once two people are emotionally regulated, they have the potential to heal through each other and trust that there is safety in their relationship – a secure base.  There are several counseling modalities, including EFT, that can assist with this. 

Keep in mind that when you argue with your partner, it’s often about so much more than who didn’t take the trash out, who didn’t show up on time for dinner or who forgot the other’s anniversary.  Dr. Stan Tactin, another prominent figure in the field of neuroscience and relationships, has referred to couples work as a “neuro-duet” where something as simple as forgetting to put the toilet seat down can really be boiled down to, “Do I matter to you?”  For many people who have less than secure attachment styles, this can cause the amygdalla in their brains to sound the alarm system (fight or flight physiologically and reactivity emotionally).  The idea that couples can actually learn to not only regulate themselves but each other – and over time experience lasting change – is very exciting. 

I’ll wrap up my article series by giving a partial list of book resources that was given to us us by Linda Graham, MFT, in our class, The Neuroscience of Attachment.  The following are all geared for the layman -  for those of you who would like to learn more about how to apply this to your own relationship:

BOOKS:

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Susan M. Johnson
• After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship by Daniel B. Wile
• Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships by David Schnarch

See the first three articles in this series:

What’s Your Relationship Attachment Style?

How the Body and Brain React to Conflict

How New Relationship Experiences Can Shift Core Beliefs

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist and creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.  See more relationship articles by Lisa.

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