The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

This is the second in my Neuroscience and Relationships Series, following on the heels of my last article, “What is Your Relationship Attachment Style?”

Imagine what it’s like if you see a car swerve into your lane just ahead of you.  You likely feel a jolt of fear combined with the ability to react defensively to avoid a collision.  Your amygdala (the “24 hour alarm system” part of your brain) perceives that you are in danger and it generates the fight-or-flight response by releasing cortisol (the stress hormone)  and activating your sympathetic nervous system so that you can respond rapidly (think racing heart and sweaty palms).  Hopefully, you are able to avoid the collision by being in such a state of defensiveness.

Now we’ll take this example and apply it to a fight between a couple where one has an avoidant relationship attachment style and the other has an ambivalent relationship attachment style (refer to first article in my brain and relationships series for further explanation of adult attachment relationship styles).  Remember, the avoidant person is uncomfortable with dependency and has difficulty trusting - and the ambivalent person is subject to abandonment fears and may take more of a victim stance.

Let’s say that Ray (the avoidant) and Belinda (the ambivalent) are fighting about Belinda wanting more attention from Ray when he gets home from work.  He goes straight to his office and needs to “de-compress” and doesn’t way much to his wife before he disappears.  Ray find soothing in being alone and gathering himself (”I don’t need others to soothe me.”) and Belinda is soothed by having connection to Ray but also struggles to soothe herself if she doesn’t get it.  She follows him into his office and demands he give her a hug and ask her about her day.  She is tired of him doing this all the time and is upset.  Ray doesn’t do well with being cornered and starts to shut down.  He just wants to be left alone.  “Please leave me alone!”  Her response is “Please talk to me!”

It doesn’t take long for each of their amygdala’s to sense insecurity, fear and overwhelm – so they both get into a fight-or-flight response without even being aware of it.  They just know they each feel desperate in their own positions.  Both of them have cortisol (stress hormone) releasing like crazy and causing their sympathetic nervous systems to ramp up and before you know it they are both unable to think rationally or deal with the situation at hand in a clear and thoughtful and manner.  They are both trapped in their own emotional reactivity.

Many therapists (including myself) have worked with the “time-out” model of dealing with conflict between couples when their physiology has gotten out of hand.  The idea has always been to allow ample time to let their body’s “cool down” at which time they can, theoretically, come back together and try the discussion again, hopefully in a more productive way.  In this class, I’ve also learned about another strategy that comes from a completely opposite framework: The 20 Second Body Hug.

It’s long been known that oxytocin (the calming horomone) is released by infant and baby during nursing.  It’s a way to assist with the attachment bond.  Well, it seems as though gentle touch between people can also release oxytocin.  Linda Graham described new research around effectiveness of the “20 Second Body Hug” between two people who are in a highly aroused state to help the brain decrease the cortisol – and bring in the oxytocin.  I have to admit, this seems counterintuitive.  And I’m sure there are situations where this would not be indicated.  I see it as a case by case situation and to be avoided if there’s any danger of harm to another by doing it.

A way to release oxytocin in yourself – and you might want to try it to see how it feels – is to sit, relax, close your eyes, put your hand over your heart and imagine someone you feel safe with.  Conjur up a time you were with them and hold this image in your minds eye for 30 seconds, no less.  If you don’t have anyone in mind who represents safety, think of a pet you’ve had or even a safe place.

As a group, we all did this exercise together and it was a very interesting experience.  I felt a warmth in my body that’s hard to explain.  Sounds like I had a bit of oxytocin working for me!

See the next in my series:

The Brain and Relationships Series:  How New Relationship Series Can Shift Core Beliefs

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a Marriage and Family Therapist and creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.  See more marriage and relationship articles by Lisa – or sign up for her Toolbox Monthly Newsletter on the home page.

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