The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

This is the third in my Brain and Relationships Series, following on the heels of my last article, “How the Body and Brain React to Conflict”

We’ve been looking at how people’s “adult attachment styles” can dictate the lens at which they view relationships (trustworthy, suspicious, secure, etc) – and a bit about the brain science (neuroscience) and physiology of being emotionally triggered in relationship.  If you have soft spots around themes of abandonment, loss and trust you will likely have seen this show up in many of your relationships so you know what I’m talking about here.  

Now here’s something very exciting.

Your brain can actually change, create new connections and develop new pathways (in layman’s terms) so that experiences that previously felt deeply upsetting or painful can barely be a blip on your radar.  How can this be possible? 

Every time you have a positive relationship experience that is counter to what your expectations are, new neurons of the new experience pair with old neurons of the old experience – and they fire together, then are brought down into memory.  When new and positive experiences happen enough (say you’re in the first healthy, loving, stable relationship you’ve ever had) they can also start to become implicit (the memories you aren’t aware of specifically but cause the emotional reactivity). 

What all of this means – again, in layman’s terms – is that your old belief systems can be truly be shifted and changed not only cognitively but physically in the brain.  New experiences can become part of the internal “secure base” and increase resilience – which over time can develop a healthier sense of self.  The opportunities for real, tangible change are there.

The problem is that so many people unknowingly repeat their unhealthy patterns allowing  little chance for new, repeated positive experiences for the brain to incorporate.  It requires some insight into your relationship patterns, your role in the problems you’ve faced, your unhelpful thinking patterns stemming from your belief systems –  and a concerted effort to try to do something different!  Psychotherapy is a great avenue to explore all of this – and more.  

The great news here is that the belief that “people don’t change” is garbage.  They can – and they do.

See the last in my article series:

Implications for Couples Counseling, Book Resources

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist and creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.  See more relationship articles by Lisa.

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