The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

One of the common issues in my therapy practice is breaking unhealthy relationship patterns.  Typically, the person comes in tired of being involved with the same kind of people, in the same kind of unhealthy dynamic – and for whatever reason, they’ve reached their bottom.  They’re ready for change!  The good news is that the readiness and willingness for change in and of itself is a great first step towards interrupting the cycle they’ve been in.

If you or someone you know has a tendency to repeat problematic relationship patterns, this article will be of interest to you in that I will help to at least start the thinking process around how this is stopped. 

Types of unhealthy relationships include those that involve emotional, psychological or physical abuse.  They can also be relationships that don’t leave you feeling fulfilled but rather empty, scared or lonely.  In some cases the person feels bored and isn’t challenged.  Whatever the case, it if it’s an unwelcome pattern that seems to repeat itself even with an awareness that it’s recurring, perhaps it’s time to look a little more closely at what‘s going on.

Though the question of breaking relationship patterns is complex, there are some general things that will be helpful for you to consider as you embark upon making the change you desire.

• A look to the past.  We need to understand “why” you’re in the loop you are.  If we explore your family of origin and other relationship experiences, what do we find?  Are there clues to explain “why” you’ve been attracted to certain people – and they to you?
• A look to the present.  Why are you interested in change now?  Do you believe you deserve a healthy, loving relationship and are you committed to doing something different to achieve this?  The answers to these questions are important to highlight and reinforce your motivation for change.
• A look to the future.  Here comes the “nitty-gritty” of how the change will come about for you.  In a way, this may be the most challenging of it all because here you will be challenged to do something different and step outside of your comfort zone (as unhealthy as that comfort zone is, it’s still your comfort zone).  This is the part where you take control of your life and responsibility for your choices which sometimes is easier said than done.  But if you do and stick with it, the payoff can be well worth the effort.

The outline mentioned above is just a starting point.  The layers between each category of the “past, present and future” of breaking unhealthy relationship patterns are dense and requires more than just a brief article can begin to touch on.  I’m in the process of writing the third workbook in my Therapy-At-Home Workbooks® series tentatively titled, Break Free of Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns: A Workbook for Individuals.  It will cover in depth the above three areas, with worksheets and exercises for you to do on your own with my written guidance.  As with all of my therapy workbooks, they are meant to be alternatives – not replacements – to face-to-face counseling with a licensed therapist.

If you’re interested in being notified when the workbook is complete and available – you can either sign up for The Toolbox Monthly Newsletter (home page in the small green box on the right) – or you can subscribe to The Toolbox Store RSS Feed – which will be updated when it’s ready.  A third option is to Follow Me on Twitter as I update the current information on my site, The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com  – including new articles or workbooks.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist, author and the creator of The Toolbox: An Online Resource for Emotional and Relationship Health.

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