The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

If you learn of infidelity in your marriage or relationship, your life can get turned upside down.  You may even feel as though you are going crazy, in an emotional washing machine. If you have just found out about the infidelity, you feel like everything you had believed is now false.  The person you thought you could count on has betrayed your trust.  You are enraged at your spouse and yet are disturbed by self-accusations about what you did wrong. You will find yourself feeling very emotional.

If you had the extramarital affair, you may be relieved that it’s out but feel racked with guilt about hurting someone you do care about.  You may be wondering if your spouse can ever move beyond this or will it always be something held over you. You probably do not know what to do about the intensity of your partner’s anger, particularly when it keeps coming up over and over again.

Many questions naturally arise. Should you bother with having marriage counseling or does an affair always lead to divorce.  Can you ever trust your partner again.  Is there any hope? Can you survive the hurt?  Will you ever find life together in your relationship if you stay in the marriage? How do you rebuild a relationship after infidelity?

Relationship counseling at this point can often be helpful when attempting to resolve your relationship.

During the crisis and trauma of an extramarital affair, I help couples move into an exploratory stage of discovering ways to rebuild their relationship. We reduce the unhelpful patterns of anger and conflict and begin to create a new story of what led to the affair. I work to help partners uncover the primary feelings underneath their rage. Partners will be invited to share their feelings in ways that invite the partner’s empathy and understanding rather than triggering defensiveness and counter attacks.

During affair recovery counseling we will create new patterns of interaction, promoting healing and understanding rather than anger and strife. Engaging in relationship counseling after an affair is one of the first steps to building a new relationship. If both partners are willing, relationship recovery can be achieved and a new relationship can be forged.

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Dr. James W. Walkup, D. Min., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York City. To learn more about him see his website at www.dr-jim.com .  

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a therapist in Marin County, CA and the creator of The Toolbox, with tools for marriage, relationship and emotional health.