The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

My wife and I have been married for just over a year.  We rushed into it and were married after only dating for 4 months.  Anyway, as expected we had some adjusting to do and we ran into a few communication blockages. There is no blame to cast but it appeared to both of us that the unhappiness was generally on her side and she wasn’t able to tell me why.  We’ve come along way but I still don’t feel like she is able or wanting to really open up to me.  I thought we started the marriage by being completely open but my confidence in our marriage has slowly eroded as some things seem to be left unsaid on her part.  That’s the background.

Our work days are skewed and I generally stay up an hour or two later than her.  I’ve noticed for at least 4 months and most likely the length of the relationship that she masturbates with a vibrator almost nightly and occasionally after sex.  She doesn’t know that I know and she doesn’t talk about it.  I’ve gently asked her if she is getting all she physically needs/wants from our relationship without bringing up the vibrator use.  She says that our physical relationship is everything she wants and she genuinely seems to enjoy it.  She has multiple orgasms with me, I’ve been told that I’m a very good lover, I’m physically fit and attractive and I have no reason to believe that I’m not satisfying her.  At first I thought she did it to relax and fall asleep but then I started to wonder if she was thinking about someone else.  I then started wondering if I was satisfying her.  I am currently thinking that she does it mainly to relax but occasionally to avoid being intimate with me.  It seems to be a very personal thing to her and I’m not sure if I should ask her about it.  She doesn’t initiate sex as often as she did in the early part of the relationship (I realize that that is probably normal).  We have sex 2 or 3 times a week but that is starting to dip to once or twice.  I’m also loosing enthusiasm for initiating anything because I know she’ll just wait for me to leave so she can turn on her vibrator.

Do I invade her privacy and ask her about it?

LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

Being that your wife is multi-orgasmic during sex tells me that you guys seem to be doing well in that department.  Perhaps she just needs additional stress relief – or it is, like you said, a way to unwind before falling asleep.

That’s one possibility.

One thing that stands out is that you married quickly and ran into communication problems where you don’t feel like she was able to be open with how she was feeling.  With that in mind – it’s possible there’s something more to this and doesn’t know how to talk about it.  Regarding the possibility of her thinking about someone else, she might or might not be.  Regardless, fantasy is fantasy and as long as she’s not acting it out and being unfaithful – then it’s within the norm.  However, if she’s in a fantasy life excessively to avoid intimacy then that’s another issue.  Hard to really know without talking about it, isn’t it?

What does it mean about you that she uses the vibrator after sex?  Are you personalizing this?  If she’s enjoying sex with you then is it possible she has a very high libido and has just been used to using it to add punctuation to a fulfilling experience with you?

The only way to get the bottom of it is to ask her directly.  It’s clearly causing all sorts of questions to swirl about in your head regarding what it means about your relationship.  Wouldn’t you like to get some clarity about it so you can either stop worrying – or tackle whatever else might be going on?  But try to do it in a playful way if you can so she doesn’t get defensive.  Or at least as non-critical as possible.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of Ask the Therapist – A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.