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I’m really looking for some outside input on this. I’ve really struggled over the past 3 months with my girlfriend. To be concise, I’ve really become more sensitive to all the minor things she does and I get frustrated with it, such as her getting annoyed/irritated about certain things that I do, but it’s not like I’m going out of my way to provoke her. Once she gets like this I tend to want to get away from her and consequently, I have broken up with her about 3 times now. As of now I’m not with her, but I keep wanting to go back because I feel like we can get past this, but I believe I have some issues with tolerating what sets her off. I want to be able to handle it, but once i get dissuaded, I step out of it. For example, last week I was on the phone with my friend for a long time and she knew I wanted to hang out with her when she returned home late. I texted her saying I was on the phone and she said she was going to go to sleep. I didn’t get the impression that she was irritated by that then, but the following day she was mad about it. And that made me upset. So as this sort of things happens, I want to be with her. There’s something about her that I can’t let go. Something along the emotional side when she is sweet to me. It’s hard to explain. When things are going well, it’s a great time, but I’m not the happiest person when she irritates me. I keep going back because I feel like I can work past this, but then I end up hurting her and I hate doing that to her. I just keep saying I’m erratic and I have some severe issues. I still care and love her and for some reason she still gives me a chance every time. My friends say I should move on and I want to, but there’s this premotition I have that I can’t get past. Do you think I really should fight this urge and move on or is there some remedy to resolving our issues that maybe I can suggest to her?

P.S. I’m only 21 years old. Thanks a lot!

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LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

Sounds like a roller coaster ride for you two! Sometimes we can get caught up in negative cycles in relationships that keep perpetuating themselves – as seems to be the case with you two. The irony is, we rarely argue about the surface issues – it’s the underlying stuff that gets triggered and causes us to get so riled up! As therapists, we’re always trying to get to the “process vs the content” of the relationship dynamic.

I find that when people get triggered the most, they feel they aren’t being cared for, prioritized, shown empathy or any number of any pillars to what I define as “emotional safety” in relationships. For example, imagine how your girlfriend might have felt when she came home and you texted her that you were on the phone. Looking back on that, is there any other way to see the situation? (Sometimes we get so caught up in our own emotional response it’s really hard to step in another’s shoes…)

You mentioned having some “severe issues” and I have no way of knowing what that means – but what I do know is that if two people care about each other and are committed to working on the relationship, taking responsibility for their role in the problems and be willing to change, things can improve. I see it all the time in my couples counseling practice. On the other hand, there are people who get in toxic relationships by habit and that’s an entirely different subject.

You can probably benfit from some good couples communication skills.  Take a look at Practicing Empathy With Your Partner in an Argument.  Regarding what you should “do” – do what feels right for you – if you can reconcile your heart with your head – not always easy!

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