The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years now. There is an 8yr age difference. She is 29 and I’m 22. Ever since I met her I did my best to show her that I’m not just any 22yr old. I showed her that I’m mature and showed her that I was interested in a relationship. I love her and she says she loves me too. The only problem is sometimes I feel she doesn’t appreciate me.

She is not very good at expressing her feelings so at times its hard to really know what she feels. I know she is with me for a reason and picked me from all the people to be with her, if not we wouldn’t be in this relationship. She likes to take control. Sometimes I feel I don’t have control in our relationship. If I tell her something is bothering me she tells me I’m complaining. She still talks to her exes and I’ve learned to relax and just to trust her. But some of the exes I don’t really approve off . I’ve told her that I don’t agree with some of them and that it bothers me. It bothers me that she doesn’t really listen to me or try anything to make me happy or to resolve the problem. She just tells me I have nothing to worry about, they are just good friends. I’m not sure if its the age difference that doesn’t make her consider my feelings.

For example. The other day she told me she is planning to go out of town and meet up with one of her exes. She just told me. If it was me I would ask if it was alright with her, I put her feelings first and would consider her. I said “I don’t'  agree with the idea but I will do my best to get over it since you will do what you want no matter what.” She noticed I was a bothered and told me ” ..me and (her ex name) have a past and are good friends nothing more. I hope you understand and trust me enough. I trust her but sometimes you can’t avoid feeling a bit insecure or the negative thoughts of what if. There are times I’ve felt insecure because of my age, I’m not stable with a career, I work and I’m still attending college. I also believe another reason I’m feel insecure is because she doesn’t give me the confidence of how she feels towards me.

She tells me she loves me and would like to have future with me but she doesn’t show it ,its the small things that make a difference. I’ve talked to her about it and she tells me that’s how she has always been. She has a difficult time opening up. She is a respectful woman, but I would love to see her show her affection towards me. I believe that will make the relationship stronger. She once told me” I want to be a good girlfriend for you but I don’t know how to change my ways” I said I would help her, I’ve been patient enough to be with her and wouldn’t want to loose her. I treat her right, I do my best to make her happy in whatever I can. Sometimes I feel she takes me for granted since she doesn’t express her feelings, and she knows I would do anything for her.

I want to stay in this relationship because I have hope that one day she will change. I don’t want to be run over or be taken advantage because I always do what she wants me to do. I love her and want our relationship to grow and be stronger. I just don’t know where to start. I need a second opinion. I will appreciate it.

LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

It doesn’t feel good for anyone to have their feelings discounted.  It sounds like her words “say” it but her actions sometimes don’t reflect it.  It’s understandable you might have questions.  It can be particularly difficult if your partner doesn’t express themselves very well.

Many people remain friends with their “exes.”  This doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than what it is.  But it sounds like because of your own insecurity around the age difference – and her lack of expression, you have doubts.

I advise you to tell her what you need to feel loved and cared for.  Sometimes people just need to be told what that means!  Define it for her in behaviors she can do.  Tell her how it makes you feel not to know what’s going on with her sometimes.  You’re not being silly – you have a right to your feelings.

If people care enough about each other, they’re usually willing to make changes so that the other feels better in the relationship.  If you can’t seem to “get there” on your own, try a few sessions of couples counseling to see how you might feel more connected to each other.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of Ask the Therapist – The Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.

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