The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

So my girlfriend and I went out for several months and then all of a sudden in mid to late August she asked for a break in the relationship because she lost her job, place to live, and everything was just chaotic in her family life.  She still wants to go to college to and hasn’t.  She is 21 and I’m 25 and have already completed my degree.  Anyways, she felt she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship at this time so I let her go cause she needed to figure things out. 

We still kept in contact then after about two or three weeks she had nowhere to go cause of her living situation and her family is unaccountable and fragmented so my parents and I offered her to stay at our house and live for free as she gets back on her feet.  I confronted her after a week and asked her what our status was and she said we are still on a break even though she is living in my parents house now which has made it really difficult for me.  Is she just leading me on and using me?  Or does she just need time to open up again since she hasn’t set any time frame of when we’ll be back together???  I’m really concerned and don’t want to get real hurt in the end of this.  I still have strong feelings for her but I don’t feel she can give that in return right now with the way her life is going.  From an outsiders viewpoint what do you take on this entire situation??  Thanks.

LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

Your ex-girlfriend sounds to be in the midst of a lot of chaos – and perhaps that’s part of the reason why she can’t manage a serious relationship right now.  She has a lot to sort out!  So – after the breakup, you and your parents made the very generous offer of letting her live with you while she gets it together – a very kind gesture.  But I’m wondering what kind of expectations came with that for you?

Were you hoping that if she moved in you two might see your way back together?  I can understand why you might hope that but I’d be concerned that your gesture was more about trying to get something from her rather than trying to help out someone you care about who’s in need.

If you can’t handle her being there without being “with” her then perhaps this situation isn’t right for any of you.  It doesn’t sound like she can handle too much more added stress as she tries to get herself together to get off to college – and is likely struggling with the family problems you indicated.

Try to put your relationship – and your needs aside for a bit if possible.  I know it’s hard.   

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Lisa Brookes Kift has a Marin County couples therapy practice in California, is the creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com and the author of The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples.  Learn how to possibly get  relationship advice by Lisa.

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