The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

My boyfriend and I have a pretty healthy relationship I would say, but we recently got into an argument where he became a completely different person. He got to an anger level that I felt like I did not know him anymore and said lots of hurtful things; we however have long-term relationships plans but… I seem to not be able to imagine my life with this kind of angry moments.

How kind I suggest couple’s therapy to him with out causing the world war 2?

Lisa’s RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

Anger can be scary – no question.  Some people struggle with losing control with their anger and causing damage to the people they supposedly care about.  A good sign is that you guys have done pretty well in your relationship up to now.  However, this definitely needs to be addressed for the emotional well being of all concerned.

If he’s able to acknowledge that he got out of control – and seems to feel badly about it – you may be able to more easily bring up the subject of counseling.  If he doesn’t take responsibility – and blames you – then it may be a bit more challenging.

Here’s what I suggest regarding addressing the anger:

Wait for a calm moment between you and tell him how that incident made you feel.  Watch your language making sure not to start off in a critical or judging way.  If you do – he may get defensive.  For good approach could be something like, “I felt really scared when you did……the other night.”  Hopefully, he responds positively to this.  If so – try telling him that you care for him a great deal and want your relationship to be as healthy as possible and would like to address this so that you can be sure it doesn’t happen again.  Include the idea that you would like to see if there’s anything you do to contribute to the dynamic.  That way he will be less likely to feel like he’s being hauled into couples counseling to be blamed and chastised.

If this starts “world war 2” then he may not be willing to look at his own behavior and how it impacts you.  Then you’d have some serious questions to ask yourself about what works for you – and what doesn’t.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of Ask the Therapist – The Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.