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Boyfriend divorced eight years, lives an hour from me. we have been together two years. Exwife ran out of money and having no one he let her sort of move in with him and their son but she is not making a giant effort to help herself and she is also recovered from breast cancer so her job hours are limited and she can’t repair her home or buy a car. She is there most of the time. She is also taking on line courses and needs his computer and internet and will take a year to get a degree so she can get a better job. Meantime she is also trying to sell her house, but I don’t see her moving. I see it as a reason to stay with him and his son. And using the “I don’t have a home” as an excuse.

I trust him, but he is very tenderhearted and she is telling him how much she loves him and relies on him, tries to start an intimate relationship with kissing etc, which he volunteered and told me he stops that. He and i visit two weekends a month.  She will call his cell when he is with me and we are sleeping to just chat. Sometimes he answers sometimes not as they have the son. Once she called to tell him to not forget dog food on his way home from me. He won’t call from his home much now with her there and she follows him when he leaves to call me or will try to talk to him when he is on the phone with me., i cant visit as i used to because he tells me to call before i come so he can ask her to leave.. He doesnt want a cat fight. He had a relationship that fell apart many years ago because of a very similar thing with her. i feel like she is trying to cause problems. He says he has to help as they were married 20 yrs and share children.

What red flag am I not seeing? and i said something and not sure if that was the right thing to do. I told him i felt like a mistress now. And we had a previous conversation as well where he assured me she meant nothing and that those feelings for her left a long time ago, that I was the  more important person in his life and so very special (he has never said he loves me though) He said to someone if he was going to say that he would say it to me.  And feel at a disadvantage as she knows him better than I do and knows how to manipulate him. He hates drama and conflict. so i am really confused, I feel uncomfortable with all this. I don’t want to lose him if there is a solution. What do i do? And does it look like she is trying to get me to dump him by calling and all these little things? Thank you for any help you can give me to clear my cobwebs.

LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

That must be a really difficult situation for you to tolerate.  You clearly care for this man a great deal. I guess I’d wonder how much you’re willing to tolerate?

You asked me what red flags you aren’t seeing. Here are some: 1) Your boyfriend is living with his exwife and mother of their children – and she still has feelings for him/is actively trying to engage him sexually. 2) She’s interfered in his prior relationships. 3) Your relationship with him is suffering as a result of a potentially ongoing situation that he may not have his own sense of boundaries in place enough to put a stop to.

If his ex-wife wants to recreate their family and she has him there – what motivates her to take action to move on with her life? It sounds like he’s a sweet hearted man who may simply be trying to “do good” by her and his son – but at what cost? If anyone’s running this show – it’s probably her.

At some point you need to figure out if this set up is working for you. I don’t see how you can possibly develop a healthy relationship with a man who is in this situation. I’m not saying he doesn’t care about you because he may. However, for whatever reason, he’s caught up in a pretty complicated web at the moment. The really sad thing about this is they have a child involved in this – who probably desperately wants his dad to stay with his mom. It’s a sticky situation for sure.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a relationship therapist, author and creator of Ask the Therapist – A Relationship Advice Blog, a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com: A Resource for Emotional and Relationship Health.