The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years now, we moved in together after 8 months and things were great…Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m not ready for this commitment and want to be single for a while. I’m 26, she is 21 and she is insistant that she wants to marry me…we have spoken about the future together a few times and at the time I felt like she was the one..now if I sound unsure she guilts me into talking about the future and I feel terrible!

Recently I tried to end things, I was honest and told her I didn’t want to spend my life with her…she broke down, screamed and cried…packed her bags and I stayed in the house…she then started to just deny I had said anything and told me I was lying, being stupid and she knew I loved her so she was not leaving…I stayed to my word I told her I was sorry but it was over…after another 30mins though she had guilted me into staying…telling her I did love her and that she was someone I want to be with forever!!! At the time I suppose I had hoped we could work it out…now I just don’t want to!

I love her and I want her to be happy and don’t want to hurt her and honestly feel if I say it again now I’m just going to really damage her! I just have no idea how to handle this.

She tells me and acts like she couldn’t imagine a life without me…

Her family and most of her friends live interstate and last time I tried (1 week ago) she told me she didn’t want to see her friends she wanted to stay in a hotel alone…I didn’t want that.

How can thus situation be handled without really hurting her and should I wait a few weeks as she just came good after last week…

Lisa’s Relationship Advice:

Though it’s admirable you are so tuned into her feelings, you’re not responsible for them.  It seems as though her lack of support and emotional state is keeping you in a place of fear around leaving her.  Based on her behavior (which seems a bit unstable) I can understand why you’d be scared to imagine what she might do.  However, as painful as it would be to have the discussion, it might ultimately serve everyone better if you’re honest with her.

One thing you might consider is contacting any friends or family she has who you think would be open to helping and have them get involved to support her – so you’re not the only one she has.  It’s these kinds of scenarios that can unfortunately leave some people feeling “trapped” as you’ve indicated.

I would encourage you to not only get support for her but for yourself.  Another good option is to find a local couples therapist to help you both navigate through this.  Remember that though it may feel like it, you are not responsible for her emotional life.

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Lisa Brookes Kift has a Marin County couples therapy practice in California, is the creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com and the author of The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples.  

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