The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

When my boyfriend and I first met over two years ago, we were both poor young adults chasing our dreams of being successful musicians.  He a guitarist/songwriter in a band, myself, a vocalist.  For years, I  had been afraid of truly pursuing my dream of being a singer.  Though  I was in a choir, I studied an entirely different emphasis in school  and failed to succeed in the “real world” application of my degree.

My boyfriend, on the other hand — a very talented musician to the  core, dove head first into pursuing music.  He quit his university,  took crappy jobs, and relocated across the country, hoping to become a successful musician.

To both of our delighted surprise, last year, with my boyfriend’s  support, I landed the opportunity of a lifetime–the chance to live my dreams as a professional musician.  However, just when I got my big break, his band of 10 years broke up.  Now, he’s forced to focus on  his plan B–personal fitness training (at a terrible gym, a  dysfunctional children’s program, and for a few unreliable personal  clients)– to make a living.  Almost anyone and everyone who’s trained  with him loves him dearly and finds him talented in fitness and  nutrition.  So many of his clients are showing results. In fact, we’ve  been invited to Thanksgiving and Birthday parties by his clients!!   However,  they can’t afford to take him privately.

Every day, not doing music is depleting his soul and he sinks deeper  into depression, numbness, and hopelessness.  He’s trying to chug  through, and hold on to hopes of starting a successful fitness  company, but every other day, naturally, is a melt down.  Equally as  difficult for him, I currently make more money than he does.  While  I’m traveling, studying difficult vocal parts in foreign hotel rooms,  he’s struggling, working long hours 7 days a week to make ends meet in  his small shared apartment, going through the daily motions.

We love each other and he’s very supportive of my career in every  way.  He knows I’m very supportive of any career path he takes, as  well.  But, there’s immense pain in knowing that I’m doing what he’s  always sought after.  While his sense of purpose has been lost, he  feels like he’s surrounded by everyone living out facets of the life he wishes to have–including me.

He feels bad when he’s over my apartment (although it’s a small  studio) because it reminds him of what he doesn’t have–his own place,  his own stuff that he’s paid for and cherishes.   He’s further  distraught because he wants to be a provider for me, but right now  it’s the other way around.  I don’t mind being a provider because I  know he’s striving for something better in life and I don’t believe  this will last forever.  I also know that he never asks me for  anything and respects me.  I know he would do the same for me if/when  I needed help.   He’s very appreciative of me, but this is all  starting to tug on our relationship.

Although he constantly encourages me to stay strong and not give up  on my dreams,  my fearlessness has been shrinking.  I’ve been an  emotional wreck because of our disparity; feeling helpless and fearing  that if I continue to excel in my career, he’ll feel left behind or  give up.  I’m in constant fear of losing him, though he says he loves  me and isn’t going anywhere.   I feel like I’m holding my breath until  his big break comes and then, we’ll be perfectly happy again.

After all this, my questions are:  How do I show my support for him  without him feeling crippled or emasculated?  How do we facilitate  trust and understanding through this?  How can we keep our  relationship together?

I feel like if we can get through this, we can get through anything.   I believe we can, but I just need to know where to start.

LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have an incredibly loving and supportive relationship.  You both are also very passionate about music and have both had opportunities to live your passion in a career – except he is sidelined for the moment – while you live your dream (congratulations by the way!).

I imagine if he truly passionate about music, he’ll find his way back in some form.  But for now he’s doing something that doesn’t really “do it” for him in many ways – and you feel guilty!!!  This is a normal response by the way – you want him to be as happy as you are so you can continue in your relationship with you both being fulfilled.  Try not to personalize his frustration.  He has encouraged you to “stay strong and not give up on your dreams.”  This is one good man you have – but you probably know that.

Continue to be supportive while doing your thing – and hope that eventually he’ll find his way back.  You can’t control the way he feels.  If he feels “crippled” it’s his own deal.  It’s not a reflection on you.  Try to separate the two (I know it’s hard).  Do not let this derail you from your dreams.  If you do, my concern would be that you would live in regret and your relationship would show a new type of strain down the road.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of Ask the Therapist – A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.