Marriage Advice: I’m in an Emotionally Abusive Marriage
I started dating my husband when I was 19 and he was 36. I came from a broken home where there was extreme
violence and alcohol abuse, so I did not want to have anything to do with alcohol. He told me that he was only a social drinker, but come to find out he is an alcoholic. Soon after we got together, I found out that I was pregnant. After that, I became ill and could not work. He could not afford to carry both of us because of his dependence upon alcohol.
My family agreed to let us stay with them until we got on our feet. While there, he quit paying my car insurance so that I could not drive, refused to agree that I get a job, and became aggitated when I mentioned going to school. I soon felt like a pregnant prisoner. From the beginning ,he has blatantly lied to me about were he has been and how much money he has spent on alcohol. He always seems to turn a situation around to be my fault, and I am left feeling guilty as if I actually did do something wrong. Soon after I had our son, I found out that I was pregnant again!! We stayed with my parents for 2 1/2 years rent free until his father offered for us live with him and pay half of the bills for the chance to own something ourselves. It seems like he is not responsible enough for us to ever live on our own. He gets the bills payed, but he asks my parents to borrow money that he doesn’t pay back and becomes over extended on his pay check.
We are always hurting for money, He has verbally abused me, our sons, my dad, my mom, and my step mother. They are all at their wits end. I feel like I have lost my families respect because I have not left him. I don’t want my sons to grow up with long term emotional damage from our situation like I did from my childhood. For some reason I insist on trying to hold it together. I am miserable from hiding from what my heart feels. But my head tells me to make it work. How am I suppose to know what is best for me and my children whom are 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 now?
LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:
As you are aware, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship with your husband. It sounds like he is controlling and basically is holding your whole family hostage. But the people I’m most concerned about are your children who are very young. This type of situation can cause lifelong emotional damage to them. From the ages of 0 to 5, children are like little sponges, developing their sense of selves, others and the world. Your little boys are also learning about relationships – and not healthy things.
You know more than anyone coming from a “broken home” yourself. In fact, it’s not a mistake you ended up in a similar situation. In particular, the self esteems of little girls are severely impacted by growing up in that type of environment. It’s not uncommon for them to repeat the cycle. Boys often end up being the perpetrators in the cycle when they get older.
It is not too late to do something different and decrease the chances of long term problems for your young boys. They don’t have a choice now – which is why you must make the right one for them. If you can’t do it for yourself – do it for them. See my article, Are You in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship to learn more about it and how to get help.
Lastly, you DESERVE to be treated with kindness and respect. At some point I would also recommend individual therapy and family counseling.
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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of Ask the Therapist – A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.
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