The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

My husband says he doesn’t have any problems and it’s all me….He doesn’t take anything I say to heart. He will almost and has came right out and said that everything I am concerned about is nonsense. I just want him to look at me as an important part of his life and he doesn’t seem to be able to express that if he does think it. We have lots of drama in our house and things some times get so bad I just want to run away. What do you think?

LISA’S MARRIAGE ADVICE:

It’s a rare day when the problems that occur in a relationship are the fault of one person. Ideally, both people can, 1) acknowledge there’s a problem, 2) admit they each play a part in it and 3) are willing to each make changes in some way. Unfortunately, it often doesn’t work out this way and there’s on partner who insists it’s all on the shoulders of the other – as it sounds like in your case. It can be very painful if our partners don’t validate our experience. The irony is, there’s no such thing as “it’s your problem” because guess what…”your problem” becomes a marriage problem and that does involve him.

Try communicating to him the level of your unhappiness again – but in a way that is dissarming. For example, “I’m feeling really unappreciated and unloved in this relationship and I’d like to talk about it…will you listen without interruption?” If he’s unwilling or unable to listen, validate, empathize and offer solutions – then maybe marriage counseling is an option. Sometimes it’s helpful to have a neutral third party trained in relationships to assist. If he’s not willing to do that – you will have some thinking to do about the choices you have, where your boundaries are and what all of this means in the end.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a marriage counselor and author of The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples.  She is also the creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, providing marriage articles, tips, tools and advice.

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