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Hi Lisa. Me and my bf have been together for 18 months. I have not met his family_ he has one sibling that lives probably an hour away from him and he sees probably once or twice in a year. He also has two young kids. He and his ex has an arrangement not to introduce their kids to their partners unless they are married. My bf does not believe in marriage. So I guess I will not meet his kids.

My bf and I have not been intimate for the past 3 months. He said he is stressed, tired and doesn’t want me to get pregnant. He had a pretty rough childhood. He pretty much struggled and sacrificed to get to where he is at now. He is very busy. Works full time. Goes to school for his master degree full time. Part time father. I see him at least once or twice a week. He calls and texts me everyday. He says he loves me but I’m not sure if he does. We never had a passionate kiss for long time. I help him lil bit with his finances if he needed my help. So I don’t know if he is keeping me til he doesn’t need me financially or what. He has met my family and my young child. He doesn’t really bond with my kid. He feels lil awkward. He told me he wants me to be part of his future. I need help. Don’t know what to do. I’m turning 31 soon. I don’t wanna waste my time – please help.

LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

I can understand why you’d be confused.  You’ve got an unusual dynamic between you and there are a number of red flags.  For example, how could you two really be together long term without ever meeting his children?  He seems to be under a lot of stress and perhaps really scared of having the responsibility of more children.  And he is hesitant to bond with your child – which makes me wonder what his long term plans with you are.

My advice to you here would be to trust your instincts.  Do his words and actions line up?  I know he says he wants you to “be part of” his future.  But do you feel that from him?  In addition, I get the sense that he’s pretty overwhelmed – and if there are old family of origin issues that he hasn’t resolved – that might be another piece to his story.

Bottom line: You and your child deserve to have someone in your life who is ready and willing to be involved with you both in the way you need.  And if it’s not him – then maybe it’s time to move on to another relationship that’s more of what you need.  If it is him – that’s great!  But it sounds like you two need to do some more talking about it.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a relationship therapist, author and creator of Ask the Therapist – A Relationship Advice Blog, a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com: A Resource for Emotional and Relationship Health.