The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

I found out 4 months ago that my boyfriend had been cheating on me for 5 months. It was a huge shock because we had always had an amazing relationship before their “affair” started. Things were definitely strained between us during those months that he was seeing someone else and I could never understand why or what had suddenly changed.

I have stayed with him after finding out although I have moved out of our house into a place of my own because the initial constant fighting was getting us nowhere. He unfortunately carried on seeing the other woman on and off even after I found out but I believe that it has now truly ended.

My problem is that I am so mistrusting which he does not understand. I am also finding it very difficult to forgive him and stop thinking about it. I love him and I do want things to work between us as I believe he does too but I just get so angry sometimes. This causes him to withdraw from me and that makes me even more upset. I have read your advice on infidelity but I am still finding this all so tough. How do I learn to forgive and start really trying to rebuild this relationship?

Lisa’s Relationship Advice:

I’m sorry to hear about that.  It can be extremely painful to go through the experience of having an unfaithful partner.  And it can be even worse when he/she doesn’t end it immediately.  For a lot of people – that would be a deal breaker.

You clearly care about this man a great deal and have a lot of strength to want to try to work through this.  I know you’ve read some of my writing on infidelity but I want to offer another suggestion – there’s a great book called, “After the Affair” by Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD.  It is one of the most popular books on infidelity in the U.S.  As it turns out, I recently saw her speak at a conference in San Diego and I wrote a post on my column on Examiner.com highlighting some of her points.   You can see the post, called “After the Affair” here:  http://www.examiner.com/x-2442-SF-Marriage-and-Relationships-Examiner~y2009m5d6-After-the-Affair.

Hang in there – if he’s sincere about working through this with you then anything is possible.  The bottom line is that broken trust can take a long time to heal.  Be sure to practice good self care during this time.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of Ask the Therapist – A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog, a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

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