The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

I’ve been married for 13 years and have two kids (11yr old son and 8yr old daughter). My wife is a very intelligent person with good Christian values and very trust worthy. We’ve had a normal marriage (ups and downs) and always had good communication. In 2007, I had a brief online emotional affair with an old girlfriend. There was no physical contact with the other person since she lived across the country. It only lasted a few months and I eventually stopped it and told my wife. We worked through it together and it actually brought us a lot closer. But in 2008, my wife changed very drastically. She started going out a lot, getting home really late and spending many nights out. After a few months of this and other strange behavior, she finally confessed having an affair with another woman. When she couldn’t stop the affair, I asked her to leave the house. She moved in with the other woman and they lived together for almost six months. I was a total mess around that time. I felt into a big depression, had a lot of anxiety attacks and even thought about suicide a few times. I was prescribed some anti-depressants which I only took for a few days. I also went to therapy by myself and eventually snapped out of it.
 
Around Valentine’s Day of this year, my wife came back to the house temporarily. She wanted to end the relationship with the other person but she eventually left again after a week or so. Around the beginning of summer she came back to the house yet again. She said she was completely done this time and wanted to come back for good. She spent more time with us and we did family things together. But I recently found out she’s still seeing the other woman behind my back. She’s been unable to break the relationship because she doesn’t want to lose the strong friendship/connection she has with her. She also started the “going out” routine again and spending some nights out. We’ve been able to communicate through all of this and tried to work things out. But the situation is getting out of hand and it’s very hard to deal with. She still have an addiction to this other woman and at the same time she’s having a sexual identity crisis. She also grew up with a very strict mom and never really had a “rebel” phase. So for the past two years, she’s been acting as a spoiled teenager. Doing whatever she wants without responding to anyone or caring about the devastating consequences while ignoring the responsibilities she has as a mom and the vows she made on her wedding day. The strange part is that she knows what she’s doing is wrong but she’s torn right now. She wants to stay married and save our family but she’s unable to stop her feelings / actions towards this whole new gay lifestyle. She’s afraid of putting a band-aid on the situation just to feel the same way for another woman down the road.
 
This is also weighing down on me a lot. I want to desperately save my marriage/family and spare our children from yet another separation (or possible divorce). But at the same time it’s getting really hard to trust my wife and keep putting up with this behavior. I’m emotionally exhausted and tired of grasping at straws. I’m afraid if this doesn’t stop soon I will completely check out and will ultimately end the marriage. I suggested marriage counseling as a last resort since we’ve been trying to deal with this problem by ourselves. She said she would give that a try and see if it helps. The problem is that I have no idea where to begin finding a good marriage counselor. I read your article on how to choose a marriage counselor but I still wanted to contact you directly and ask you for help. We live in Georgia (North West of Atlanta) and I was wondering if you could recommend someone from that area. Someone you can trust and can help us navigate all the different layers related to our situation. We have limited financial resources but I’m hoping my insurance will cover part of the expenses. We would also prefer a woman counselor cause it would make my wife feel more comfortable.
 
I want to save my family and marriage with all my heart and any help you can provide will be greatly appreciated.

LISA’S MARRIAGE ADVICE:

I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time in your marriage.  Your wife certainly sounds very confused around a lot of issues  – and it must be hard to be on such an emotional rollercoaster!  It’s understandable that you would start to wonder if you can ever trust her – or believe that your marriage can be saved.  This behavior has to be very difficult on your children as well.

The good news here is that you two have had a long, solid marriage -  until the last few years.  This means you have a strong relationship foundation in which to lean on should you both decide to commit to making it work.  But – it sounds as though she’s struggling a lot herself and is probably just as confused – and torn as well.

Marriage counseling is an excellent idea.  I wish I could give you some referrals to people in your area – but I don’t know anyone in that part of the country.  The best that I can do is give you the name of a few excellent therapist directories to where you can put in your zip code and look at therapists / counselors who come up in your area.  Try www.family-marriage-counseling.com – or www.goodtherapy.org.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of Ask the Therapist – A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.

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