The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

I really need help with this problem i have. I’m 21 years old and my wife is 24, after dating for a good while we got an apartment in July and got married in October. Were newly weds in our prime but it seems like ever since we moved in together my wife has almost completely lost all sex drive.

Before we moved in together we used to have sex nearly every night we saw each other which was 3 or 4 sometimes 5 nights a week but now we are lucky to have sex once a week (as of right now its been a week and a half). And another problem is when we have sex there is no intimacy at all. There is no 4 play, she doesn’t like french kissing, she doesn’t even like me kissing her ANYWHERE but her lips (not even on her neck).

Now is the biggest part of the problem. I have a female friend who only comes into town every now and again since she lives about 2 hours away. I have been friends with her for nearly 8 years now and she is very kind and funny and attractive and I’ve honestly had a crush on her for a long time. I’ve recently found out she has had one on me as well, we were both just too worried about making our friendship awkward. She is coming to town on the 3rd and by coincidence my wife is working until 11 o’clock that night. She has told me she is in the same predicament as i am in, she truly loves the person she is with but there is nearly no sex, no intimacy and she says she hasn’t had good sex since they’ve moved in together. She has proposed to me the idea of sleeping together, fulfilling each others sexual needs and going back to our significant others happy and ready to cope with the lack of sex.

I know its wrong to cheat and i honestly do feel bad about wanting to but its not like all of this is from lack of trying to resolve the issue. Me and my wife have talked and talked and talked about the issue but nothing has helped. I’ve tried taking her out to dinner and being romantic, i’ve tried sparking her sexual interests with fun new things and changes and surprises but none of this works, and its very difficult being how single minded she is about sex (its always straight to intercourse and were done in 20 minutes). You really have to realize how aggravating this all is. I love her very much and i really feel if i get out all this sexual build up i can be a better husband and not bug her about it as much. Help please :( what do i do?

Lisa’s  MARRIAGE ADVICE:

It sounds like things changed dramatically in your sex life with your wife and you’ve already tried to talk to her to no avail.  I feel like I’m missing some information like, did she provide any answer to why things changed and does she really understand that your needs aren’t being met and what that feels like for you.  Without knowing this, I can only suggest you be very clear that you love her but are missing this important aspect of your relationship and need that.  It’s not like you two have never had an active sex life.  This being said, it’s also normal for things to change a bit in that department as married couples settle into routines and the like – but the change seems pretty distinct.

The other thing that comes to mind is that your relationship progressed pretty quickly.  Is there any chance resentment has built up between you and you’re not aware of it?  Are there stressful issues in her life that might be impacting the situation?  There are so many possible reasons “why” this has been happening but your questions is really about what to do with your friend coming in town and whether you two start a sexual relationship on the side.

I would encourage you not to do that at this time.  It would not only be betraying your wife but if this other woman becomes a sexual outlet for you – you might have less of a motivation to work on things with your wife.  At least make it crystal clear how serious of an issue this is for you before doing anything.  Perhaps you two could do some couples counseling.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of Ask the Therapist – The Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.

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