The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

This occurred last year February after valentine’s day….i had suspicions about my husband seeing/talking to another woman.. he denied it at first but then after a few weeks he confirmed that he has a female friend who he has been talking to for over a year and at that time we had only been married 2years. i was very upset and he denied it was a relationship. one night he opened his e-mail to try and prove that he had nothing to hide and i saw an e-mail from this same lady friend to whom he had told me he would cut off i was very angry and went in his sent box and found other e-mails he had sent other women…one asking her to call him after their brief conversation he found her to be interesting…another one whom he had told that he find her to be very attractive and is willing to explore that avenue with her….another one he is telling her the picture she sent him was beautiful and her breasts are showing themselves off and he miss them so much. after all of this he also confessed to sending a valentines day arrangement to another woman who had done a favor for him. he clearly denied having any sexual relationship with any of these ladies.

i forgave him because he said things would be different, he would change and do whatever it took to make things work including counseling. we went to counseling only once before he said that we didn’t need counseling we can make our marriage work ourselves. from April to later last year our relationship has been up and down because of the mistrust i have for him i have caught him in several lies which he denied and i would curse and make noise about all situations. Finally in November i caught him in another lie and i hit the roof ranting then i gave him the silent treatment for a few days. later in the week he told me to get out of his place he no longer wanted me there he was tired of the disrespectfulness, the arguing, the accusations, the mis-trust.

i was very upset and i left….now i’m staying with my mum…..he also spoke with my mum and dad and stated that he couldn’t take it any longer dealing with me being disrespectful, not trusting him and just embaraasing him. I feel hurt this happened in November and since then he hasnt made any attempts to call me to see how i was doing…i called on x-mas day stating that we needed to talk face to face, he clearly didnt want to saying we had nothing left to say and he just went on stating that he had no intention of getting back into the marriage….i was devastated that so soon he could say something final like that….i told him i heard he was seen in public places with another woman and he denies being seen cuddled up with the person stating that he has female friends and if he sees them he will talk to them. we ended the conversation after i told him i will always love him and asked if he felt the same and he said yes but that’s not enough to make a marriage work i was disrespectful and he’s not dealing with it anymore. i mentioned if he wanted us to get divorce and he said if i want it i should file and he will not contest it. i want to know whether i should go ahead and file for a divorce because we cannot reconcile if one person clearly wants to live a free and single life. the hurtful part in all this is the way he is treating me, no call to say how i’m doing and we dated for 6years before getting married and this year may would make 3years of marriage. i felt i was worth more to him than that and it seems he can just throw me away like a piece of trash.

Should i file for the divorce since he obviously doesn’t want the marriage or will it be just rushing???

LISA’S MARRIAGE ADVICE:

I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time in your marriage.  You’ve gathered a lot of evidence to support the fact that your husband isn’t behaving very respectfully in your relationship, haven’t you?  It’s not like there’s been one questionable event – but many.  On top of it, it sounds as though he’s turned it around on you, trying to make you believe it’s YOUR bad behavior (disrespect of him) that is causing the problems in the marriage.  Unfortunately, it seems pretty clear you’re right in that this is a man who wants to live a “free and single life.”

You have a right to be upset.  You have a right to expect that your husband treat you in a way that you feel respected and prioritized.  And you have a right to get out if he doesn’t.  Try not to let his accusations of you being the “bad guy” in this get you down.  By all indications (keeping in mind I only know what I read here) it appears as though his behavior has been intolerable.  Nobody wants to be married to someone who wanders in such a way.

You asked me whether I think you should divorce him.  Please understand that I can’t advise you on that matter – that decision rests with you.  At this time ask yourself:  Is  this is what you want?  Are you happy?  Do you see any signs of change or acknowledgement of mistakes made on his side that he’s willing to rectify?  Do you deserve better?  Have you done all that you can do on your end to try to work things out – enough that if you do decide to walk away you will do so knowing that?  All of these questions are important for you to reflect on before making such a decision.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a marriage counselor and author of The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples.  She is also the creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, providing marriage articles, tips, tools and advice.

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