The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

 I have this friend, about 6 months ago he met this girl at work & decided after a month of dating that they should move in together. Well, it was a more or less “Move in or I’ll dump you.” from her. I later discovered that 2 weeks prior to their dating she had just broken up with her boyfriend of three years, thought that was odd, but he wouldn’t listen. About a month later he tells me this isn’t going to work; that he’s not really attracted to her, etc. etc. But he feels stuck; she is very needy (in a ‘pity-me’ kind of way) can’t pay her bills on her own & just seems like a wreck in every sense of the word. He feels sorry for her, so won’t ditch her; but at the same time he wants to cheat on her (even to the point of asking me if he can use my apt for these assignations), go to the strip-clubs- even to the point where he is considering prostitutes . . . . which is not typical of him. Basically he has no emotional attachment to her whatsoever, besides the pity business.

As I’m tired of hearing it, what should my advice be? Should I try to set him up with someone else, or whatever? He’s my friend & I care for him & I’m REALLY tired of hearing about it. On the other hand, I’m trying to be supportive (he’s always been a good friend to me) but I don’t see a way that is decent to help him out.

Lisa’s Relationship Advice:

Your friend dove head first into this relationship, didn’t he?  Unfortunately, he’s paying the price for not taking ample time to get to know her before making such a decision.  You clearly care about your friend and I can understand why you’d want to try to help him out of the mess he may be in.  But – he’s going to have to be the one to get himself out.

It sounds like the girl is used to being taken care of and is “needy.”  There are surely reasons why she is the way she is – but the decision he made to allow her to move in after receiving such an ultimatum is interesting too.  I’d wonder if a caretaker role is something not unfamiliar to him.

Regardless, all you can really “do” is to be supportive.  If he feels “stuck,” he needs to figure out how to get “unstuck.”  It may require him doing something he’s highly uncomfortable with – like telling her she needs to move out. 

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Lisa Brookes Kift is the creator of Ask the Therapist – A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog - a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, an online resource for to issues of mental health and relationships.

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