Relationship Advice: Fast Moving Relationship in Trouble
My fiance and I have been dating for 4 months now. He proposed 1 month after we had been dating. Everything
was like a fairy tale at first, he wrote poetry and took me out 3-4 times a week. We would talk for hours on the phone. Well he started growing his company and now all he does is work. He begged for me and my children to move into his house and so I finally decided that after the kids get out of school we would move (an hour away) to his place-I would have to give up my job and enroll the kids in new schools. Well now I am the one driving out to see him to make this work because I know he is overwhelmed by his business. He just told me about a week ago that he thinks us moving there in June may be too soon for him. We decided to go to couple’s counseling but I am so insecure about us. I am afraid I finally gave in and fell for this guy and now he is getting cold feet. Last night we were supposed to meet up for a date, which we haven’t had in weeks and of course work came up. It broke my heart. I went to his house and he thought I was going to break off the engagement when I just wanted reassurance that we are “ok”. He did say he still wants to get married but I just think if we lived together things would be so much better. Can you give me advice on how I should handle this? I’ve tried the play hard to get thing and he is so distracted by work and all that it just doesn’t work. Please help!
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Wow, you two moved really fast in your relationship! It was only one month before he proposed? I understand that it started out like a “fairy tale” but the problem is (as you’re learning) is that you two didn’t even get a chance to really know each other before taking this leap. And now he’s got you wondering if he’s going to call it off.
I’m very glad to hear you two are planning to do some premarital counseling. The reality is – you don’t know each other. Yes, I know you think you do – but there’s no way you really can in the short amount of time that has passed. It can be really hard not to get swept up in the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship because there are so many feel-good brain chemicals racing around. Thus the poetry, talking for hours on the phone, etc…. But now what? Who are each of you when that starts to subside and you’re into life (his work, your kids, etc).
My advice to you is do not uproot your kids and yourself just yet. Your relationship needs time to develop and grow. It can be very hard on kids to move them out of their school. This decision should not be made without being very clear that it is the right one. This is why couples counseling is a great idea! You’ll be able to start over a little, slow it down and work out the kinks. For example, how does he feel about becoming an “insta-dad?” That’s just one of the questions that comes to mind for me – after all, you only met four months ago. This will be a huge change for everyone involved.
What’s the rush? If you allow the relationship to unfold and develop in a more relaxed way then you will have the chance to lay down a very strong relationship foundation vs one build on quicksand.
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Lisa Brookes Kift is the creator of Ask the Therapist – A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog and author of The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples.
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