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I’m going to try and make this as short as possible. My fiancée and I had a falling out 6 weeks ago. It started when I called her as I was heading home from work to see if she wanted me to pick up something for dinner ( I usually grocery shopped for dinner on Saturday before going to her house)

She told me no, she had already picked up something for dinner. Then she said we need to talk, and I said I was on my way over. I get there and said let’s talk. She said not now, I have to mow the yard. We did talk for a few minutes as she blamed me for not listening to her, etc. I helped her with the yard and after we finished, she said ” I think you should go home”. I said ok, don’t have to tell me twice, I will leave. It actually hurt me to hear her say that. I didn’t call her for three days. When I did call, she gave me the third degree that I hadn’t talk to her in three days.

So here’s a little background of us. We both worked for the same company. She was transferred to my location because her job was being eliminated at her location. We had talked on the phone before and she had visited my location to help out once. So after about six months or so, we had feelings for each other. It’s a small facility where she and I are the only ones in the office. We began dating and did so for about a year when the company told us they were closing our facility. We thought this might happen. A week later after the announcement, the company notified us that our location was being bought by another company and would not be closing. That was somewhat of a relief to both of us. Working for the new company has been a stressful task. It started affecting our relationship, as I was overwhelmed and working long hours. I was not happy at all and she saw this. Then she became unhappy and told me she was out as soon as she could find another job. She found another job in the same industry, actually with one of our customers, so she turned in her two week notice. I never felt it was a good move, but she was going to do it anyway. Now she is very unhappy where she is and feel she blames me for making the move because she has told me she did it for us, for us to survive.

The week that we were told the facility was closing, I had just sold my house so I could move closer to where she lives. I lived on the other side of the county and wanted to be closer to her so we would not have to commute so many miles. I had not found another home when mine sold, so I put everything in storage. Instead of renting a place for a short time, she told me to stay with her and her son, so I agreed. I helped with chores, etc. I was there for 6 weeks until I found a place. She went with me to sign the papers on the new house and begin to cry. My realtor ask if she was ok, she said she didn’t want me to leave. We talked afterwards and I told her I was doing this for us until we are ready to move forward. We had been dating a year at this point. I wanted to make sure we were both going in the same direction before we made something permanent. We had talked about a future together.

So I move into the house I bought, which needed a little work, but I got a deal on it with the plan to fix it up and sell when it was time for us to join together. The last two years I have been very stressed at work. When she resigned, it put even more of a load on me as I was the only one in the office and I had to cover her job until I could find a replacement. Working 12 hour days had been the norm. The stress was affecting our relationship and it gave me little time to work on the house. I’d spend the weekends with her and her son, and usually one night during the week. When I would get to her house, I would talk about work and how frustrated I was. I only wanted her to listen, but she would tell me what I needed to do to correct things.

She would get upset that I talked about work so much and would talk negative towards me. As time went on, I began to retreat and not say much. This went on for several months. She would tell me I was so negative and all I talked about was work, that I didn’t enjoy anything. She was not happy, as she would tell me. She never said she wasn’t happy with us, she would just say not happy. I guess I needed it spelled out exactly what she wasn’t happy with.

So up to the day she said we need to talk, it had been a roller coaster ride. Mainly the past year. At Christmas last year, I gave her a ring and ask her to marry me. She accepted. Seems like it went downhill from there. I had tears in my eyes when she accepted my proposal. Now back to the day she said we need to talk. I did not talk to her for three days. My feelings were hurt that she would ask me to go home. The following week, a vendor who calls on her company and mine, stopped to see her. He knew we were engaged.

She told him that she didn’t think we were going to work. He stops to see me later that day. He say’s ” so you are history?” I wasn’t sure what he was talking about, then he told me that he had stopped to see her earlier. It was all news to me. I was hurt, upset, and angry that she would tell a third part something like this. I knew we were having difficult times, but it hit me in the gut. That night, I sent her an email stating that I found out I was history and that I would make arrangements to pick up my things at her house. She called me the next day and told me not to worry, that she would have my things back to me. I get home from work, and there is my stuff, sitting in the driveway. There was a bag full of clothes, etc. Then I found the ring box and inside was the ring. I was devastated. I called her. She ask me why I would believe what someone else said before asking her. She said I should have knocked on her door to find out what was going on. I responded that I was hurt, angry, and upset that she would tell someone else and not me that we were done.

Anyway, the past six weeks we have talked and emailed. I invited to take her out for her birthday to dinner, which she accepted with her son joining us. But we are getting nowhere. I get mixed messages from her. I took her house key back to her two weeks ago. I ask her where we stand and she said ” I can’t give you an answer right now”. Last weekend I called her and ask again. She said I was pushing her and she would not give me an answer, that if I wanted closure, then we were done….that I needed to do what I needed to do. And this week she responds to an email I had sent. Told me she didn’t know where she was going, or if she was even going to stay here, that I was not her priority right now, her son was ( I can understand that). That she didn’t know what love was, but maybe in time she will. Then she says ” no more words, just action”. That confused me as to what she was saying. Was she saying, come see me? I really don’t know.

I don’t know what to do. I love her and wanted to make her my wife. I’m making an effort, but she doesn’t seem to want to meet me half way. I don’t know if I should just back off a while or stay in contact. Her actions/comments confuse me. Maybe I should give up and move on.”

LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

You and your fiancée have been through a lot together! Clearly the communication between you has unraveled a good bit and there are a lot of mixed messages flying between the two of you. It sounds like there’s some resentment and hurt feelings where it probably wasn’t the intention to be hurtful (you moving to the house and “out” after being with her for 6 weeks). I wonder what unintentional message you might have sent her with that action? Speaking of “action,” when she said, “no words, just action,” I’m wondering if she feels your words in the relationship have not matched the behavior.

For relationships to thrive, both people need to feel cared for by the other – in word and deed. If you believe these two things matched, then perhaps she just isn’t clear about what she wants for whatever her reasons are, which there is no way for me to know.

Give her time, show her consistent behavior, respect her boundaries and try to be patient. If you reflect back and realize you might have contributed in some way to her decision to break off the relationship, acknowledge your behavior, sincerely apologize and validate her feelings. The rest will be up to her.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of Ask the Therapist – A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog; a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.  See Lisa’s relationship articles or shorter relationship tips and tools.

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