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I have been in a relationship for almost 8 months. The relationship has been good when we’re together but he has always had trust issues with me whenever I’m seeing my friends or if I’m going out. Somehow I’ve just sort of accepted it and I’ve lost a lot of friends. When we were out together the other night we got into an argument and he was very drunk. I said something to a friend of mine, a guy. My boyfriend then took a hard grip around my arm and started questioning me about this guy. I said he was a friends but he didn’t believe me. He then put his arms around me as if he was going to hug me, but instead he squeezed really hard and it hurt. I got really scared and started crying and screamed at him to let me go.

After about 10 minutes some girl whom i don’t know stepped in and pulled me away from him. He felt really bad about it when we spoke the day after and I accepted his appology. However later that day we were fooling around when he all of a sudden raised his voice. I felt really scared. I haven’t seen him for a couple of days now and I am almost scared to see him. His dad used to beat him when he was little and maybe that is why he reacted that way.

I don’t know what to do because i still love him but at the same time I feel scared of him. I don’t really want to talk to anybody about it because I don’t want people to look bad at him.

Lisa’s Relationship Advice:

Your boyfriend’s behavior is unacceptable and possibly dangerous.  I imagine you realize these are serious red flags.  Whatever the reason is for his behavior (and being abused by his father is probably part of the story) you need to take this as a serious warning.  What if he would have done that and no one was around?  He seemed to have reacted in a jealous rage and certainly alcohol was a factor.  The bottom line is this is a potentially dangerous relationship.

I recommend you let him know that you are scared of him and this is not going to work for you.  Perhaps he’s open to getting help for his anger and other issues – which would be ideal.  If it seems like he is then perhaps things can work – but if he’s not, I’d get out before you get hurt.  I know it’s hard to leave someone you love but this is a serious situation and you may need to put your safety above your feelings for him.  If he’s not able to take responsibility for his behavior in words and actions cobmined, it becomes your responsibility to take care of yourself.

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See more relationship advice by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT.  To ask a relationship or marriage advice related question, go the home page and fill out the form in the green box at the bottom right that says “Ask Lisa a Relationship Question.”

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