The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

I’m a 38 year old female and my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is 32.  we have had a rocky relationship from the very beginning but somehow we’ve made it this far. We do argue often and sometimes I don’t even know what for. He has a very quick temper but that’s not my problem. I feel stupid for even asking this question. How do I tell if my boyfriend is gay or bi-sexual?

The reason I ask is recently we had a huge fight and his password has been changed on his computer. He doesn’t know much about them but I do and I helped him set his laptop up. I usually log it on for his son after school to play games but the password was changed the other day. I have always be suspicious of him cheating because he still has contact with his ex-girlfriend before me. He hates it that I don’t like her but he never talks to her in front of me. He hides it and I see it on the cell phone bill. I got curious after he changed the password and did some snooping and found that he had been on singlesnet.com and posted an ad. At first I was crushed that he would even do that but when I checked further, I was completely blind-sided by what I found. His ad was “male looking for a male”. I thought maybe he did that by accident and meant to put looking for a female but after watching his emails for a couple of days I’ve seen that he is getting the messages from these other guys or “flirts” as the site calls them and he’s opening them and seeing the guys pictures. He’s not responding to them or sending any “flirts” of his own out but knowing that he’s seeing the guys and knowing it’s guys sending him messages, he has to know his profile says “male looking for a male”. If he didn’t want it that way, I would think he would respond and let them know he’s straight, right?

Well, he told me in the beginning that he wasn’t much for sex but it’s pretty much non-existing between us. It’s always been once a month or two if that and then it’s not long at all. He has always had a feminine side but a lot of men do so I never thought anything about it. Now I’m wondering about it all. This has had my stomach in knots for days and I can’t stand not knowing. I haven’t said anything to him for the simple fact I’m afraid to. He might blow off the handle. I’m also afraid of losing him. That sounds crazy right? I do love him even with all the fighting we have done. I have always stood by him and fought to stay with him. He’s never been married and says he never will. He does have an 8 year old son but that’s all. He has custody of him too. Has he been with women all his life to cover what he really wanted up in fear of family finding out? Is he gay? What should I do? My whole world has just been turned upside down. I don’t have anyone that I can talk to about this without them laughing about it. I need some advice before this drives me insane.

LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

If he’s posting personal ads looking for men, at the very least he’s bi-curious.  Considering what you said about his history, it’s also possible he’s gay but in the closet for his own reasons.  There’s no way to know exactly what “category” he fits into (and he might not even know) but the bottom line is you won’t know unless he himself tells you.

I can understand this might be devastating to you as you question so many things.  The only way you will find out the answers you are looking for is by directly asking him.  You deserve to know what the real deal is – and to make an educated decision about whether it will work for you.  You’re right, if he’s been protecting this side of him for a long time, he will likely get very defensive and deny everything.  At that point, it’s time to trust your instincts and put “two and two” together on your own – which it sounds like you’ve started to do.

Of course you don’t want to lose him, you’ve been with this man for over three years!  Whatever happens, it will take time for it all to filter through your heart and mind and for you to be able to figure out what is the best thing to do.  Until then, take care of yourself!!

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a relationship therapist, author and creator of Ask the Therapist – A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog, a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, a resource for emotional and relationship ealth.

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