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My son’s father and I have been together for 9 years total.  When we got together I found out a few weeks later he was married.  Ifell for the lies  and the stories that he wasn’t happy and that he was getting divorced etc etc etc… I’m not proud of it and would never do it again by all means.  6 months into the relationship I got pregnant, he dumped me, telling me I wasn’t worth losing everything over, his business, his house.  He came back after I had a miscarriage.  He kept giving me dates as to when he was leaving and I don’t know why but I stayed with him. 

This went on for 6 years,  5 more pregnancies all dumped within two weeks of him finding out, and 6 miscarriages because of the stress.  He ended up leaving his wife, 6 years later, we moved in together,  he left then came back for two months then left again when he out I was pregnant again, within two weeks.  I didn’t hear from him for two days, then came back telling me he made a mistake and he had to get his ducks in a row.  Then he came back the day I gave birth to our son, left again when out son was 6 days old, I wanted to leave the state but he talked me out of it.  A month later he moved back it.  My life was hell since day one, he didn’t act the same. he picked at things I did, or didn’t do the way he wanted.  I lost my job for asking for a Sunday off because of babysitting issues.  He told me I was worthless and not a decent mother because I wasn’t helping to support his son.  He failed to tell me that I needed to sign the lease and had my name removed off of it, that day I got mad and told him to stick it up his butt,  six months later, I got the key back but it wasn’t what he wanted to do.  He ended up filing for paternity, his name wasn’t on the birht certificate.  Which ended up being a good thing because of the threats he made about taking away my son from me.  He never stopped talking to the wife and the more we argued the closer he got to his wife.  The day our son had surgery he went to sneak into a bathroom to call her to her our son was okay. 

But to this day says he doesn’t love her or that nothing is going on.  He has 6 dating sites/swinging sites, where he so called chats with people, and when I say chat I mean from the time he gets in his truck in the morning to the time he gets off of work, chatting sex, and one of them he was telling her he would meet up in a motel.  All this time he tells me he hasn’t done anything wrong.  He would come home after the baby went to bed and start chatting again, sending naked pics of himself then camming, while he played with himself.  I didn’t trust him. but how could I when all he did was lie to me.  His friends think I have a problem and that what he does is fine.  I didn’t!!!!!!  He stopped touching me because of the arguing and because I asked him to but he says he was trying to work it out with me. 

We are presently fighting for custody of our son…. He was calling the police on me every other day in hopes they would do something because I wouldn’t let him take our son out.  I was afraid to go near him because I don’t know how far he would go and if by accident touched him he would call the police and tell them I tried to hit him, I left….  He has been nothing but hurtful and mean for over a month now but three days ago he started being nice and even started talking to me without yelling at me.  I’m not saying I was innocent, the last few months I lied about checking up on him  and even took three of his sex sites because I didn’t know how to get through to him and it seemed as if it was all he cared about. 

I gave him the ultimatum at one time that it was us or the sex sites and he said he wasn’t going to get rid of his sites.  He even told me one time that if I gave them back he would go to counselingwith me, but I didn’t do it in the time he alloted, I gave them back then he said no.  Well in the two days he was being nice, I thought it was because he was having second thoughts as to what he was doing but in that time we had sex, and right after he started talking to me like crap again and now again we are back to fighting terribly, he knows I want to work it out and that I still love him,  It crushed me  to say the least.  I don’t know what to think of all this or am I just hoping that somehow he will come to his senses but the head games are to much.  I don’t know how to just let it go, I waited for long for this man, just so he could let me go without even trying, and I don’t think nothing I’ve done compares to how he did me all these years. 

My son is 17 months old and he thinks I’m trying to keep him from him but there is more to that part of the story that I cannot go into as of yet.  But I’m protecting my son as well but he keeps threatening me saying I’m either hiding my son or keeping him from him.  What do I do? I tried for over a year to get him to go to counseling and he refused, even if it was so we could learn to communicate but he wouldn’t.

Lisa’s Relationship Advice:

I know it’s not a news flash to you that you’ve been with a man who has lied to you from the day you got tangled up in each other nine years ago.  The first question I would pose to you is “why” you would allow this person to treat you this way for so long.  Regardless, the thing that is most disturbing is that you have a young son who is witnessing chaos between his parents – and he’s powerless over that. 

You’re asking me how to deal with a man who has relentlessly lied to you for almost ten years, has left you immediately after becoming pregnant by him at least six times by my count (and suffering all of those stress related miscarriages), left you again right after your son was born then came back, is very likely involved in meeting women via sex sites, doesn’t treat you very well, has threatened to try to take your son away…should I go on?  Yet – you want him back and still love him.

I think the question is less about what you should “do” with this man who has behaved this way and refuses to try to work on any of it via counseling – and more about why you want to be with someone who treats you this way?  I strongly encourage you to seek your own individual counseling to address issues of self esteem, worth and value.  I understand that you have hoped and believed that one day he would change – but clearly that is not the case.

At the very least, try to shift your focus to the needs of your son.  If there is high conflict occurring in front of him, this is damaging.  If he is witnessing his father treating his mother like trash, this is damaging.  This time period is critical for his own psychological and emotional development.

I know this is hard – if it wasn’t, you probably would have left a long time ago.  I believe that you love this man – but you deserve to have a partner who is reliable, honest and prioritizes you!

Good luck – and please take care of yourself and your son.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist and author of the Therapy-At-Home Workbooks® series for individuals and couples. 

To ask Lisa for relationship advice, fill out the green form on the bottom right of the home page that says Ask Lisa a Relationship Question.

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