The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

After a wonderful year and a half together, my boyfriend told me out of the blue that he was moving to California with his family because his family needed him. Once he arrived in California, communication quickly ceased and we both said our final goodbye three months later. After six months of no communication and almost a year of not seeing one another, he repeatedly reached out to me. He stated that the time apart made him realize how much he missed me and that he truly never let me go. He expressed that he wanted to marry me.

The reconnection validated my feelings for him which were still there, I only suppressed them. The problem: he’s in California and I’m in New York. I’m about to start grad school and need to help my father’s business.  His proposition:We get engaged, that I help my father’s business for some time (and continue doing so remotely/intranet which could be do-able) and that he would fully support me while I go to grad school in California.  I propose that he return to NY in the interim and that once we are married I am willing to move to California which would be a huge sacrifice as I am very close to my family. Even though he is actively looking to change jobs and he is currently living with his sister (which are tight living quarters) and has stated that he is not committed to California, he is not willing to come to NY. He does not want to live in NY and his concern is that I am too attached to my family that I am not going to want to move and that he will be stuck in NY.

I love him dearly but his lack of compromise scares me. I feel that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He feels I am afraid to make any decisions or to move away from my family. He views moving back to New York as a huge sacrifice. But the same applies to me which I am willing to do as a married woman, not engaged. I am very traditional and old fashioned and I don’t believe that his words of promise and ring on my finger is enough for me to leave my family to move 3000 miles away.

Lisa’s Relationship Advice:

I can understand why you’re hesitant.  Your boyfriend knocked you off balance when he suddenly moved to California leading to your previous breakup.  Now he wants to marry you – which sounds like is what you want but you have location issues and worries that he’s not willing to compromise as much as you need.  Moving across country is no small deal and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a serious commitment before making such a change.  You’ve already assured him that if you get married you will leave New York which is a big sacrifice for you – and you need to finish grad school first.  Relationships involve sacrifice – and it sounds like the ideal scenario would be one where you both need to sacrifice, him first then you when you leave New York and your family – for California.

Your scenario is challenging but it might be you both need to step up to the plate at one time or another to make it work.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a relationship therapist and author of The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples and The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples.  Learn how to ask Lisa for marriage or relationship advice.

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