The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

I hope you can give me a little advice.  Recently I thought I found my wife and her best friend in a very compromising situation in bed. She was sharing the bed because I offered to take the pullout.  Anyway, I was asleep when the two came home and went to bed. A little later I thought I heard some whispering between them. Not long after that the two got out of bed. My wife went to the bathroom and the other pulled on her pants. I only heard the snap of elastic.   The both returned to bed and went to sleep.  When I got up later to go to the bathroom I found them intertwined.

I approached my wife the next morning. She denied it and said I was crazy, and that I must have been dreaming, and that I don’t always see things as they are.  She went to her girlfriend and told her about it. She says that she was offended by this. My wife often stays overnight with this friend at her house.

Our relationship–my wife says she isn’t interested in sex and that it hurts. We don’t have sex therefore.  This may sound ridiculous, but how seriously should I take this situation? Should I be suspicious?  I can’t seem to get the suspicion out of my mind.

Am I crazy?  Please help me, or I just might go crazy.  I don’t know what kind of relationship I should have with my wife at this time.

Lisa’s Marriage Advice:

I think it’s time to trust your gut.  First of all, you found them “intertwined” in bed together.  Second of all, your wife fully denied that you had seen that and in fact indicated that you must have been dreaming and was offended.  If you saw what you saw and your believe you heard what you heard – and your wife is denying any of it, it sounds a bit like “crazymaking” behavior on her part.  This is when you know something to be true but the reality of it is being denied by the person involved.  It can have the effect of making you feel “crazy,” right?

Another red flag here is the fact that you and your wife aren’t having sex.  It’s possible that she does have pain issues associated with intercourse but in a loving relationship, there are things that can be done to try to figure out what’s wrong and do something about it.  I’m not getting that this is going on.  I also can’t help but wondering why you would give your spot in bed with your wife for her friend – and you sleep on the couch.  That was an interesting choice made by you – and if it was a request by your wife, that’s also interesting.  I suggest you ask a few of your married male friends if they’d give up their spot in bed with their wife – so the wife’s friend could sleep there.

I think you know how serious this situation is.  Your instincts are there for a reason – utilize them. 

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and creator of Ask the Therapist – A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog, a feature of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.  She is also the author of The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples and The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples.  

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