3 Tools for Your Marriage Toolbox
Do you believe that “marriage should be easy?” As lovely as that sounds, I think not. Not only is it misleading but it can put undue stress on married couples who
subscribe to this notion. It’s a set-up because marriage requires work by both partners to stay connected - and if you don’t get that you might be inclined to give up when times get rough. As life dictates, they likely will at some point.
The good news is that most people are willing to put effort into something that means a lot to them. It’s like tending to a beloved garden or whatever pastime you enjoy. You love it so you likely work at it, right? Marriage is the same way and thankfully there are many tools that can be aquired to assist with this process and help you stay connected with your spouse. Let’s talk about a few of them.
Here are 3 marriage tools for your marriage toolbox:
- Allow your spouse space if requested. People are different in their needs for closeness vs alone time. It’s important to validate that need if one or both of you has it. Some just simply tend towards more introversion where they need some private time to recharge – vs the extrovert who recharges around others. If the space request comes out of an argument, allow this as well. However, this doesn’t mean that the issue of discussion is forever swept under the rug but simply put on hold while emotional reactivity is managed – a protective factor in the relationship considering the amount of damage that can occur due to unbridled anger (criticism, name-calling, etc).
- Tell your partner about something they recently did well in the marriage. It’s too easy to tell each other what you do wrong – what about what you do right? Couples often can get in a habit of focusing on the negative and ignoring the positive which can feel like being constantly nagged at. Reinforce your partner’s good behavior to get more of it. What did they do and how did it make you feel?
- Interrupt the schedule and shake things up. When things get hectic, particularly with careers, kids, pets, friends and other obligations, a routine often gets established. While structure can be useful at times, it comes with the risk of a loss of spontaneity. Plan a surprise, a date or an outdoor adventure while the weather is good. Cover all the bases with childcare, etc and go have some fun! Your partner will feel cared for that you took the time to plan this – and know that the marriage is important to you.
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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is the creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, with tools for marriage, relationship and emotional health. She is the author of The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples - and The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples. Lisa has a therapy practice working with individuals and couples in Marin County, CA.
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