Borderline Personality Disorder: A Survivor’s Story
I was a very emotional child. I always wore my feelings on my sleeve, face and everyone
around me knew what they were. I felt so deeply, and romanticized myself as a “dark writer” like Emily or Charlotte Bronte. How do you know that “things” are not normal when you have no yardstick to compare your life to others? I always judged other people’s outsides by my insides: I felt so horrible with no self-esteem, and everyone else was laughing, pretty, joyous, focused, respected by others, and popular. I managed to make the cut to be a 2-year member of a prestigious performing choral group my last 2 years of high school. Nothing since then has measured up to that accomplishment in my mind. (But, after much thought, I have found that 20+ years of sobriety from an addiction has merit, as well.)
At the age of 14, I found that alcohol gave me courage, vivaciousness, attractiveness. I did not actually drink alcoholically until I was about 22. When I drank, I did not feel the dull ache of my emotional pain; the searing, flesh-ripping agony of having to live within my own skin. The enhancement-of-my-moods drinking, to regular addiction to alcohol, and finally the disease of addiction only took about 8 years. The near-fatal car accident came 5 years later, but it took another 8 years of drinking research to see that something was definitely wrong with my life, the promiscuity, the turmoil, the friendships that left my world, the divorces, the shame of who I was.
My sobriety for the 1st 11 years (1989-2000) was typical of the normal ups and downs, as I was told by others. I would say, “I never hurt like this when I was drinking.” AA members would tell me, “Yes, and you were numbing your feelings.” But as time wore on, I was really feeling everything with such vividness. I often was experiencing a sensation of having my fingernails ripped off. And I was sober. Something was not right with me. I knew it deep down inside. Then I had a nervous breakdown at age 46 (in 2000). I couldn’t stay employed and I couldn’t stay in a relationship. But I did stay sober. Four more years brought me to a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) by a psychiatrist and my significant other. I was relieved somewhat, but then things did not get easier for me.
I started into DBT Skills Group, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) in May 2004. I learned all about my disorder, about how to regulate my emotions, just how HARD IT WAS to regulate my emotions when the racing train in my mind was about to run off the track, about WHY I did the things I did while stressed, and just how insidious and lethal BPD was. I learned all of this by going to Skills Group, by reading, by attending a Women’s Process Group for 4 years, with therapy, and interacting with other dually-diagnosed Borderlines.
There is hope. Borderline comes in many varying degrees. Some outgrow it in later life. A higher percentage of Borderlines than of drinking alcoholics commit suicide. Oh yes, and the SIB, (Self-Injurious Behavior)….like cutting, head-banging, driving recklessly…did not appear on my radar until after I got into DBT Skills Group. Why was this? I was constantly picking off emotional scabs from my past by re-living my many errors of judgment, and resulting disastrous results. But I found there was hope, or so I was told, by my therapist. But I seemed to be getting worse, not better. Why? What the heck was wrong with me now? Alcoholism was just a symptom of a deeper-lying problem – and the BPD diagnosis seemed to be the answer to the remaining questions and problems.
Back in May 2009, I started a website on Borderline Personality Disorder. The site started out being for Borderlines only. Then I expanded it to be for the Non-BPD’s (those who love a Borderline); finally I took it out to also be directed at and for the Professionals who deal with Borderlines. I have learned so much about this disorder. Earlier in 2009, I was put on Cymbalta to help me. It primarily relived some physical pain, and my hot flashes…which was a good thing. But the Borderline symptoms persisted. My significant other was frantic, frustrated and was constantly faced with “should I put her in the hospital?” Then his therapist suggested that he start reading some books about taking care of himself. And he followed his doctor’s advice.
I read some of the books, put them on the website, and did more research. My own DBT-trained therapist suggested that we try Mentalization, which is putting myself in others’ shoes (my family, my significant other) and try to see things from their points of view and empathize with them. Hmmmm. I think of all the trauma-drama in the last 8 months, and then try to see me through their eyes….and Oh My God! I did not like what I saw, and that left-brain way of thinking about Me and my Borderline Behavior, brought me up kinda quick. This just might work. I read today (Thanksgiving Day 2009) that Schema Therapy integrates elements of cognitive therapy, behavior therapy, object relations, and gestalt therapy into one systematic approach to treatment. Schema therapy has recently been blended with mindfulness meditation, with very effective outcomes. It just might work for me.
So, as I have found and related to you as a reader: BPD is tricky, is everywhere, can trap you into a denial state, is not curable, is treatable, and the outcomes can be very different for individuals. So where is the Hope? The truth is that the alternatives without any form of treatment are disastrous. With Borderline: one either does SOME form of treatment to recover, or becomes a suicide statistic or suffers the horror of harrowing experiences of self-deprecating acts. So DOING ANYTHING about this disorder, can start your journey of recovery. A sort of “fine-tuning” of my DBT, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and self-discovery through working the Twelve Steps has been what was needed for me. Combinations of several therapies can be very effective, just as medication combinations can work extremely well for one patient, but not as well for another.
With my own admission as being a full-fledged, alcoholic who was barely functioning in my world, I was enlightened by a series of self-realizations, as I listened to the stories of others. Many alcoholics, who had also been beaten up pretty bad by their life and poor choices, (and found the light through Alcoholics Anonymous), told me this: I can recover, or be institutionalized, or die. As a Borderline, I can recover, or suffer, or die. I feel that “Catch 22” doesn’t even begin to describe the bind that I sometimes feel as I live my life. Now. Still today. With both maladies, I deserve to give myself, my spirit and my mental health every possible method or opportunity to take the path of recovery. Along the way, I am told I will learn who I really am, and my purpose in this lifetime.
——————————————
Amy Allison is a survivor of Borderline Personality Disorder and severe Alcoholism, born of a tumultuous home life of mental illness in both parents and alcoholism in her father. Since her BPD diagnosis in 2004, she has found success and profound life shifts via Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, as well as working the 12 Steps of Recovery and pursuit of her own spiritual growth Amy is the creator of Borderline Personality Disorder: A Webquest for Understanding This Disorder, a website with a mission of providing hope and education for those with BPD and non-BPD’s.
————————————-
Lisa Brookes Kift the creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, providing tools for marriage, relationship and emotional health. She is also the author of a marriage counseling workbook and a premarital counseling workbook, the first two in her Therapy-At-Home Workbooks® series.
Are you a survivor? Learn how to submit an article.
Want to stay connected to Lisa and The Toolbox? Here are a few ways:
- Subscribe to The Monthly Toolbox Newsletter for marriage, relationship, emotional and mental health articles, tips and tools from the prior month.
- Like The Toolbox on Facebook
- Follow Lisa on Twitter
17 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
A very powerful story about an often misunderstood illness. Thanks for sharing your personal journey with BPD.
She can recover, suffer or die which very much sums up borderline personality. I am very much like that with having BPD my self. I try to recover (or cope would be a better word for me) and try to put bpd in the cupboard a bit so that I can see that the world is not just good or bad – that there is a middle – but it is hard to find.
Hi Kevin,
Seems like you’re doing good work in being able to put it away (if not temporarily) to see there are shades of grey in the world. I realize with BPD this can be incredibly challenging. Nice job.
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
The Toolbox
Hi Kevin
You CAN do it mate, you can be cured if you get the right treatment. Its all about tolerating anxiety and accepting ambivalence – we dont have a genetic disorder, just we formed an unsuccesful method of coping in the abscence of the right advice and support as babies…
It can all be turned right though, youve just got to never give up and never harm yourself…
Have a look into psychodynamic psychoanalysis if you havent already…. its the only real way to solve deep issues like this for good… DBT is great if you dont ever want a cure, more a sticking plaster…. but who wants to be ill all their life???
Good luck.
Love
Ben
Lisa–
Thank you for your website. I, too, am a dually diagnosed individual: borderline, which dropkicked me into alcoholism and several drug addictions, one of which, to Klonopin, is still present. (It was prescribed to me about 20 years ago, and I am now on a protracted downtaper, from 2-3 mgs/day to 0.5. I am sober 7 months–the last two years have been mostly sober, with occasional drinking and a couple of binges–and on the fewest psych drugs ever. I am also living in a homeless shelter, which makes it terribly hard to stay on 0.5 mgs/24 hrs.)
Trie DBT several times, but always dropped out–depression, sometimes drinking, some payment issues. I would like to start it again, but have no means of payment. I’m in biweekly therapy at a local clinic, on a sliding scale payment plan.
I haven’t done well with 12-step groups. I have a blog, Dispatches From The Border, on Blogger, a Google thing. (I am also nearly computer illiterate at 44.) It presently addresses psych issues, tries to present borderline thinking in a gonzo way, as well as addiction, homelessness, and a couple of other matters that come up. don’t have my own computer, so the blog, composed at a public library and limited to two hours, is kind of shoddy and poorly edited. I hope you can take a look at it. I would like to make it more public, but have no idea how.
When border-thoughts/feelings appear, I can think my way around acting upon them most of the time. Some of them diminish; others are actually amusing;’still others cause pain and sometimes the urge to drink and do some crack–dopamine-enhancing agents. I don’t have much dopa, seems. Take Wellbutrin to make more, but there will never be enough. Can’t afford tyrosine, or anything else right now.
Sorry so long–I can be really wordy.
I’d like to subscribe to your site, but don’t know how to do that either.
Thank you, and anyone else, for reading this. I am on Facebook if you care to “friend” me.
Julia (Julie) Dixon
Hi Julia,
Thanks for sharing your story, a valuable contribution for many, in particular others struggling with a similar situation. Best of luck in your recovery, it sounds like you have a good understanding of yourself and can even often observe your reactions from afar. Great!
There are a number of ways you can stay connected to The Toolbox. See the very bottom of the article above for the options which include monthly newsletter, Facebook page or Twitter. Additionally, you can subscribe to RSS feeds for any of the major categories of the site, listed along the top (marriage/relationships, advice, emotional/mental health etc…)
Regards,
Lisa
Been thinking about the oxytocin thing a lot: I was taken off my mother’s breast several weeks into this life b/c she had developed mastitis. I think this contributed to my secure/insecure attachment style, and development of BPD. Had wondered if Pitocin–oxyT, given to induce pregnancy in large (x mgs. ?) doses, would be available in smaller, oral doses, by psychiatrist’s prescription, to help treat ppl who have grave difficulty establishing anything like a connected and equal relationship with another human being.
I don’t have ppl to hug, or to hug me. That’s just the way it is. Love massages–but they’re a luxury item I don’t know if I will ever be able to access. Don’t have a loving relationship to remember, really, save some high school and college-age experiences that involved alcohol and drugs.
Things got much worse.
Orgasm is a question of masturbation. I am in my forties and in a homeless shelter. No go there.
So: any ideas on precursors–herbal, amino, solo activities, other–that might get the juice going? Have heard negative things about that ‘Trust’ preparation sold as oxytocin.
Thanks for any input.
If you are not too busy, I left a blog address; blog addresses the experience of BPD and stuff related to the experience of it. No idea how to get it out to the public. Writing it is helpful, but I”d like some readers as well.
j dixon
Hi Julia,
Unfortunately, I don’t have the answers to many of your questions particularly around medications or natural remedies. I do know they’ve been looking at oxytocin in relationships – recent study around intranasal oxytocin and it decreasing couples conflict but nothing that I know of in this particular arena. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist but seeing as BPD isn’t a specialty of mine in my practice, I just don’t know.
Many people can release oxytocin in their own bodies. You might be interested in 4 Can’t-Miss Tools for Emotional and Relationship Health where this exercise, “hand on the heart” is referred to.
I must have missed a blog address…leave another comment citing it – so others can check it out.
Regards,
Lisa
Hi Lisa–
Here it is, I think: dispatchesfromtheborder (forget if there are spaces or not)@blogger.com, a Google service. I’m pretty new to all this electronic stuff; haven’t been at the blog lately b/c my time in this laboratory is compromised by both time limitations and noisy patrons.
Not the answer you were looking for?
My brain is pretty mangled right now. If I am wrong about my own blog address, I’ll make that right. (The unwell borderline, seeking attention, as well as trying to get this thing and its subissues out; with 12-step and DBT chain analysis experience, I can get to a motivation, if not always articulate it.)
If I can hit a lab elsewhere, I’ll get back to it. If this and that happen, I hope to have Internet access of my own.
Thank you for reading my note. If you know of any trials, pls inform me–Lexington, KY is a backwater in many ways, but does have a large research/teaching hospital. I’d also relocate to do such a study if one comes up.
Julie
Hi Julia -
Nope, couldn’t find the address. I’m not aware of any trials either but perhaps another reader will be. Best of luck to you.
Lisa
Lisa–
Hello from the borderlands. Blog is lost for now; guess I wanted to be important in some way. Recently gave in to AA, and am excited about doing stepwork. Have a GREAT temporary sponsor, someone I’ve known, loosely, for about 5 years, with similar MH issues.
I continue to check in here to see more about borderline stuff. AJ Mahari’s site is just too dense for someone who slept thru the (PC/Internet) revolution. Please let me know if you put more stuff out there–BPD, benzo tapers, social anxiety, things along those lines. I can’t afford steady 1:1 therapy right now, and I look to this site often to step in when therapy is not available.
Thank you for all you do on this site.
jd
Lisa – thank you for sharing your story and helping others with BPD. I am only recently discovering (in the last 6 mths) that I have this disorder. My life has been one of some of the lowest lows of anyone I know and I never could understand what I did that was so wrong to deserve such bad luck. I couldn’t understand the feelings that came over me or why I had such problems maintaining relationships and friendships. I have suffered alot of the similar circumstances as you and have the dual burden as well. Somehow, I have always managed to hold down my jobs and raise two sons. But even those had their timultuous times. It is disheartening that there is no solid fix for this. I am relieved and scared knowing what has been wrong with me all this time. It is not easy to admit our demons and especially post them for everyone to see. Hopefully others will seek help and support by learning more. Keep up the great work!
Hi Lynette,
This is not my story but the story of Amy Allison whom I appreciate very much for sharing it here. As difficult as it is to receive this kind of diagnosis you clearly have a leg up in that you have enough insight and self-reflection ability to take in that information and do something about it! If you haven’t already, look into DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) to acquire research-backed skills to help with regulation, distress tolerance, etc.
Best of luck to you!
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
The Toolbox
I am confused — Amy Allison is mentioned here, but this seems to be Lisa’s blog. So I’ll say this much: Lisa, if you have any connection to Amy Allison, please listen: I have BPD, and while I do admit that many of the resources on Amy’s website were helpful for my friends and family, the repeated references to the Glenn Close character in “Fatal Attraction” were absolutely not, and in fact created a lot of drama, trouble, and need for lengthy explanations for me. Alex Forrest is a stalker, a psychopath, and a killer; she’s on AFI’s Top 100 Villains List, she gave life to the term “bunny boiler,” and I personally think that it’s a useless and dangerous activity to assign fictional characters DSM-IV diagnoses because Hollywood gives “psychos” whatever characteristics it needs them to have. Referring to Forrest as a touchstone for people with borderline personality disorder is grossly unfair and prejudicial; now I have close, well-meaning friends who read Amy’s blog asking if I want to kill men who have dumped me (although I guess that’s an improvement over them asking whether I hear voices, which is what I got when people lumped all the “crazies” together and thought that having BPD was the same thing as being schizophrenic). Please tell her to reconsider what she posts; she has a responsibility when she has a voice that’s being heard.
Hi Teo,
Yes, this is my blog where most of the content is written by me. But I also accept some articles from other emotional and relationship professionals – as well as people who have personal stories to tell about their experiences. The above is Amy’s story which I appreciate. I also appreciate your feedback. Thank you.
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
The Toolbox
9-25-2011 Message to Teo: Hi Teo and Lisa. I used to have a list of “celebrities” who were cited as having BPD…some by their own admission, some not. I took that whole reference out of the website. As for the Glenn Close character in “Fatal Attraction”…I read from several psych sources that she was a “textbook Borderline.” They were someone else’s words. Having seen the movie when it came out, and knowing the characteristics of a Borderline (as I am one myself) I would have to agree with them. However it was a fictitious character and story. I merely used that example to give folks a “character sketch” of a Borderline. Yes, the character might have been shizophrenic, bi-polar, paranoid etc. etc.
In another subject “A Survivor’s Story” was written by me in Dec. 2009, when Lisa asked if I would write one and she print it on her website. I did so. I have updated daily and maintained the website: http://www.alawebpages.com/webquestbpd with current information on this insidious disorder. I am in the final stages of publishing a meditation book on dual-disorders- addiction AND BPD. It will be on Amazon in hard-copy and electronic. If you are interested, email me thru the BPD website.
To Lynette: my heart goes out to you with the dual-disorder. I have been sober from alcohol and drugs since Aug. 21, 1989, and in BPD treatment since 2004. It has been a very rough journey. My last hospitalization was Jan 2008. I use the DBT Skills to regulate my emotions. I do everything I can to stay on baseline. I work out at a gym 5 days a week, and meditate, go to meetings, and listen and learn from others who have gone before me who stay sane and sober.
To all: I believe in meetings. I try to place principles before personalities. I am only human. There are people who get under my skin. I just steer clear of them. Without sobriety, I would probably be dead by now. If not drunk, the Borderline would have claimed my life. I put myself and others in high-risk situations.
Thanks for letting me share. Thank-you Lisa for asking me to comment. Amy Allison
Thanks for this article. I’m keeping a tight grip of that hope for recovery by maintaining treatments.