Need for Control?
Get a grip, will ya? Or perhaps you should loosen it.
People who engage in a controlling pattern of operating in the world may appear to have it together (and they may convince themselves of that as well) but in actuality, their intense drive to maintain a certain level of control can be a big problem.
You likely know someone (is it you?) who is controlling in their interpersonal relationships. This can be demonstrated by being demanding, competitive or being highly attached to controlling others and situations.
There is also the organizational type of control where the person feels the need to control what the group does. In the work place it might be reflected in an intense drive to climb the ladder or even compete with the guy in charge for power.
You also might know someone who is compelled to control their immediate environment where things “have” to be a certain way.
On a certain level, a desire for control is not a bad thing when it helps to motivate and get things done. However, when there are negative consequences to self and others, that’s when the underlying motivations for the need for “control” might benefit from a deeper look.
There are a number of ways why people engage in the unhealthy version of “controlling,” Consider the following experiences and how they might lead to a need for control:
- You experienced a loss of control as a child or early in life which has led you to set up a control defense mechanism to guard against disaster.
- You may have had highly controlling parents so in order to protect yourself from being controlled in this way again, you control others.
- You didn’t get love and acceptance as a child so you control to decrease your vulnerability to rejection.
- You feel deficient and controlling others and situations defends against that uncomfortable feeling.
Most people don’t typically feel the drive to control at this level unless there’s something they’re defending against. Defense mechanisms are there for a reason - they help us psychologically and emotionally survive! But - often times they can benefit from being re-assessed.
Food for Thought:
If this person is you, what might your need for control be protecting you from?
Do you still need protecting in this way?
What are the negative consequences to yourself and others for your need for control?
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Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist and creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com. Find more mental health articles, tips and tools by Lisa – or articles by other therapy / counseling professionals in The Mental Health Place Blog, another feature of The Toolbox.
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Hi Lisa,
I have an abusive childhood background and many other things that have contributed my need for control. I have found that many of my ways are unhealthy and have their root also in self-hatred which I internalized beginning as an infant. My defense mechanisms included, self-harm, eating disorder, perfectionism, over achieving, organization, suicidal thoughts, shopping and the list goes on. Letting go of those have and are extremely difficult as they are also addictions which I have recently been sharing more on my blog about my self-injury and eating disorder. “Control is an Illusion” (Melody Beattie)
Hi Clinically Clueless,
Thank you for sharing your story. “The Illusion of Control” (great quote!) for many is a wise and very necessary attempt try to manage the unmanageable (especially abuse stemming from early childhood). Thank you for pointing out how difficult it can be to let it go in some cases. It’s often HARD to not only get that it doesn’t serve you well anymore in your head – but also in your heart.
Lisa
As a parent of adopted children, I’ve recently learned a lot about Reactive Attachment Disorder, and now that I know about it I see lots of articles that refer to people with the type of problems/issues that RAD kids exhibit. The four causes for people being controlling are exactly the same type of things that cause Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is so important to get help with this problem.
Hi Matt,
Yes, it is important. RAD is a reflection of the most serious felt loss of control for a young child that unfortunately makes it so difficult for them to attach moving forward.
Lisa
You’re right Lisa. I wish we had know about it and the things that could be done sooner. We’ve got 3 teenagers, and when you try to help them it’s pretty much a 50-50 chance that it will work, if that. We’ve learned so much from Nancy Thomas and her website http://www.attachment.org.