My Bipolar Disorder: A Secret Loosely Defined by the Seasons
“I have something important to tell you” I state.
“Can it wait? I’m almost done making dinner.” I nod, yes.
We sit down together shortly after, our eyes meet across the table, and he smiles at me. Three months have passed since we first met; things moved quickly, faster than I would have liked, and not giving me much time to figure out how I could tell him my secret:
I have bipolar disorder.
I was diagnosed at the age of 12 and am 26 years old as I write these words.
Though I seem normal, whatever that might be, we have yet to spend a winter together and winter is when things often unravel in my life. My mind becomes darker and in turn the world often terrifying. It’s a cycle that is easy to forget when the spring and summer captures me. But as we talk about moving in together, our hands clasped together, I remember. I am well but not all the time. I experience variations of wellness; some are easier than others but all of them effect, negatively or positively, on my partners life. I hope, as we sit on the couch together, that love will prevail. Cliché though it is.
I’ve had mixed experiences when telling potential partners about bipolar disorder: half of them are not really sure what it is and grow weary when I present them with literature explaining the disease; the others have known someone with the illness. This is positive or it is not: if they knew someone who was stable despite the condition they kiss me on the cheek and all is well, if they have horror stories about their neighbor growing up, the one who perhaps walked in circles in the front yard, the conversation, the potential relationship, concludes with the discussion. Mental illness is scary, particularly when it is unknown territory, and it’s not easy to keep telling people. I always hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
“Have you ever known someone who has experienced serious depression?” I ask him. It’s not going as I planned, the conversation, I am skipping around the topic a bit, warming him up to my next statement. I intended to look him in the eye and state: I Have Bipolar Disorder. I expected I would deliver it with the same ease as asking him how his day was.
He’s looking at me strangely. It’s a strange question to ask with no prelude. I wish I still drank wine; sobriety is not on my side at the moment.
“I guess so, why?” He grabs the remote and flips to a hockey game.
“Um, well, I take medication for mine” he glances away from the television and looks at me.
“Oh, why haven’t I ever seen the bottle?” I refrain from telling him I have about six different bottles; six different types I take each day to achieve stability. They live underneath the bathroom sink.
“Have you ever known anyone who has had bipolar disorder?” I catch my breath, fidget a little bit, avoiding eye contact with him.
“Is that why you’re so moody?” he replies. I laugh. I’ve never had a reaction like that before and furthermore I don’t think I am moody per se, well, maybe a little bit.
“Are you okay with this?” I ask him.
He tells me it’s perfectly fine and that it makes perfect sense. Within three months he has already decided that I am “moody” for a reason. His nonchalance worries me and so I sit him in front of the computer pulling up articles on the illness. I tell him that the person I am right now is not the person I will always be. His eyes peer over the articles and he listens to me ramble on about how things might be difficult.
“Natalie, I’m not worried about it, okay? I thought you must have had something. I’m not surprised.” He kisses me on the cheek and I smile. But it’s never that easy with bipolar disorder. It is easy to read a few articles, to prepare yourself with words and with literature, but when the storm hits, sometime in October, that is when you and your partner find out if love really is enough.
Six months later we are living side by side and weather the storm, waiting for winter to pass, together. He had a secret too: he’s a little bit like me. Although he does not take medication he falters when the sun falls faster and we spend a lot of time watching movies and waiting for the spring to wake us up. If I have learned one thing about love it is that opposites do not always attract. It isn’t easy taking care of each other but it feels good to know that bipolar disorder does not define me as a person nor as a partner.
For future reference: I have nothing to hide.
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Natalie Jeanne Champagne has published poetry in various anthologies and regularly contributes to mental health and addiction publications. At the age of twenty-six, after many years struggling with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder at the age of twelve and various addiction later in life, she walked the road less travelled and somehow found her way home. You can find out more about Natalie, contact information and resources on her website, www.thethirdsunrise.com. She currently lives in British Columbia, Canada. The Third Sunrise is her first novel.
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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is the creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, providing tools for marriage, relationship and emotional health. The Toolbox is one of the original therapist-created resource available on the web. Are you a survivor? Learn how to submit your survivor article.
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You appear one of the “Lucky Ones”. I say that because I was married and had four children before I found out about Manic Depression/Bipolar Disorder.
My 27 year marriage and 31 year association didn’t wear the storm well. Beaten by non-compliance and absolute refusal to accept the diagnosis, with dyre consequences.
The worst was the emotional damage to my children; all adults now, but, not in relationship with me. They lost their father two years ago, to suicide. He was 55.
Tragically, it was also a case of a brilliant doctor who couldn’t heal himself, despite all the support, love, loyalty and Christian faith. “Deliverance” was his last desperate attempt.
I believe Love cannot be enough. I made huge mistakes in staying married without employing “Deal Breakers”. My children paid the price. I only hope my best will pay off…
Meanwhile, I have written a book to help others make less mistakes or use my hindsight as foresight to prevent such emotional damage.
The well parent is all they have to protect them…”A butterfly landed an eagle”, is my true story. If it helps one then it will have been worthwhile. Its available from amazon.
All the best Lisa, you are indeed one of the luckier ones as you appear to be aware of your “moods” and its seasons. You have taken responsibility of it too!
Thank you,
Elizabeth Laine
Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you for sharing your story – and let me clarify that I’m not the author of this piece but it is by Natalie Jeanne Champagne. You can read more about her in her bio underneath the article.
Thank you for sharing your new book, “A Butterfly Landed and Eagle.” Hopefully those who have had similar experiences will benefit from your story.
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
The Toolbox
Why do you talk about depression and not mania? Depression is not the only feature of Bipolar Disorder and since mania can be even more destructive it always astonishes me when people don’t talk about it. Or do you only give people half the story at a time?
Hi, Cecilia:
Thank you for this comment. The reason I focus more on depression is because I have Bipolar type II. This means much more depression and hypo-manic or mixed states. The lithium I have taken since I was fifteen has prevented the hypomania but I suffer with the depression.
Also, it’s very difficult, as I am sure you can imagine, to write an entire life in a limited amount of words. My book, The Third Sunrise, talks about hypo-mania extensively.
I hope this helps to explain this and please contact me @ nata…@thethirdsunrise.com if you would like to discuss this further.
Sincerely,
Natalie
I do know what Bipolar II is. Not every person in the world is an idiot. I speak extensively in the British media about Bipolar Disorder and, even in a limited amount of time, I manage to speak about both mania and depression as well as the other attendant problems.
If you find it difficulty to write comprehensively then perhaps you should hone your writing skills rather than leave out part of the story. It’s incomprehensible that you can excuse not writing about a full experience because you haven’t got space.
Please note that unless you want to discuss matters on a public space where the discussion can be used to inform and enlighten then discussions are pointless. Good luck with your life, pity you feel ashamed to acknowledge it in full.
Cecilia,
This is Lisa, the creator of this blog. I allowed your comment – but I feel compelled to tell you I find it to be totally out of line. Natalie is not purporting to be an expert on bipolar disorder but is graciously sharing her personal experience of what having Bipolar II has been like for her. As an expert on the subject, it’s unclear why you wouldn’t be open to the possibility that not everyone’s experience is necessarily the same. She is not presenting a journal article but sharing her story.
I always appreciate feedback on my site but will be more protective of those sharing personal survival stories. One size does not fit all.
Respectfully,
Lisa