The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com

Because emotional health and relationship health are so intertwined it’s important to take stock of who you’re surrounding yourself with.  Aside from your intimate partnerships, who are your friends?  Are they people who support and lift you up?  Or are they people who ultimately are more focused on themselves – perhaps even at your expense?

Many aren’t necessarily clear in their understanding of what qualities make up a healthy, nurturing, supportive friendship.  This lack of clarity may be the result of never being modeled this type of relationship.  Whatever the case, it’s never too late to take stock of the people in your life – and consider making some changes.

Are you unsure about how to determine the quality of your friendships?  Read the following “quality of friendship” indicators.

Friendships that are worth your time and energy are those where the person:

• truly listens and takes an interest in you.
• is someone you can relax, be yourself and maybe even laugh with!
• is there in life’s hardest moments.
• is authentic even if it means giving an honest opinion you may not like to hear.
• makes you feel comfortable enough around them that you can be yourself too.
• celebrates your accomplishments with you – and you with them.

Friendships that are energy drainers are those where the person:

• appears not to really be listening as they constantly draws the conversation back to them.
• is someone who sounds your inner alarm bell of lack of safety (your instincts are there to protect you).
• can’t be bothered when things get really hard in your life and you need support.
• is competitive with you in a way that feels uncomfortable (insecurity can breed outrageous behavior).
• name-calls and talks behind the backs of others (as they likely are simultaneously doing to you).

I believe the most important thing to remember in the discussion of who you surround yourself with in friendships (and something I rely heavily on in my own friendship-decision-making) is to listen and take heed of what your gut is trying to tell you. 

Ask yourself how many times you’ve ignored your gut, made excuses for people’s behavior and then suffered the consequences in one way or another.  Yep, probably more than a few times.  To help determine who to surround yourself by, listen to yourself – the best friend you have. 

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a therapist in Larkspur, Marin County, CA.  -  and the creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.  Read more mental and emotional health tips and tools by Lisa.

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