Thank you for sharing your very personal story. It sounds as though you’ve done a lot of work around this in therapy but there may be more left. You mentioned you’d done some individual therapy unsuccessfully. I would encourage you to try again with someone else. It might be you haven’t found the right fit for you to help you really push through the insight phase into real change. Another thought I have is to pursue couples therapy with your husband. His family of origin experiences may be blocking him as well. It’s possible you trigger each other’s old wounds!

I strongly encourage you to keep trying. This is not only your issue – but an issue of his and the marriage. What we know is that as people can be wounded via early relationships – they can also heal through them.

Best of luck,
Lisa

I have had 4 breakdowns in the space of 30 years, each one leading to agoraphobia, anxiety and panic! My 3rd breakdown was on honeymoon on Barbados!

Thing is my dad was emotionally abusive most of my life and I spent my whole life walking on egg shells. He rejected me when I needed him most. He did everything he could to push me away and I was never accepted for who I was. I loved him but his treatment of me was atrocious. Even on one of his better days when he was having a laugh, I never felt safe or at ease with him. I am not on my own when I say that either.

I got married when I was 35 and moved 250 miles away from the family home to be with my new husband who was in the army at that time. We had a distance relationship before the wedding and it worked perfectly. We were on Cloud 9. But I broke down on honeymoon and as our plane was going down the runway and back to the uk, I was in the airport medical centre being pumped full of valium!

We got home eventually and the anxiety lasted for about 4 months. But no sooner had we moved into our new home together than I started erecting a barrier between me and hubby. It took me some time to see it but it was obvious when I did. Basically, inwardly, I was abusing hubby emotionally as my dad had done to me! Finally I asked myself why? What is the benefit of this behavior? Thats when the answer came and I acknowledged for the first time that dads behavior amounted to emotional abuse and my barrier would keep a distance between me and hubby.

The barrier has been there ever since. I have been for counselling several times over the years but nothing has got me to a place where I want to be. And all because my dad was emotionally abusive and didnt accept me for who I was, never told me he loved me, nothing.

As things are now, I am in a very lonely marriage. And my husband is emotionally absent. He doesnt bother with the kids and that does nothing to help my barrier come down. In fact it probably keeps it firmly glued in place if anything. We dont communicate as we should. Hubby is terrified of confrontation and have been known to stop conversations if he thinks they will end up with argument etc!!!

Am I happy? No. Thanks for reading.

Shirl
7th January 2012

I’m glad to know this resonated with you and that perhaps you are inspired to look at what’s gone on for you. I’ve worked with many therapy clients who are adults who continue to operate in a “walking on eggshells” mode in their relationships, often when it’s not necessary. It’s an understandable coping skill that was clearly useful for them at one time!

Good luck to you.

Lisa