Childhood Experience and Adult Anxiety
There are many types of adult anxiety . The anxiety disorder I’ve had the most contact with in my experience as a therapist is Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and from here on when I speak of “anxiety” I will be referring to this. I believe that people’s emotional and/or psychological distress as adults can partially be the result of problematic core beliefs developed in early childhood. A primary hallmark of GAD is pervasive worry. “Fear of the fear” is how some of my clients have described the feeling. If I look back far enough in a client’s history I’ve often found a childhood experience laced with chaos, high expectations and/or a highly anxious parent.
When children are born into this world, they are physical beings with no developed sense of self. Young infants begin to develop their core self as they interact with their primary caretakers. Ideally, their nest is a safe, loving and attentive one where secure attachment is established. It’s in this nest they can begin to believe that they will get their needs met and they have value – what they do impacts the world. This is the beginning of a very healthy self concept – or relationship to self. If all things are right, the growing infant will also develop the idea that others can be trusted. Barring any seriously negative life experience along the way, the baby becomes a toddler who becomes a child who becomes an adult with good feelings about his place in the world. “I am lovable,” might be a core belief born out of this situation. Other possible healthy core beliefs are, “people can be trusted,” or, “the world is a safe place.”
Children who are raised in a physically, emotionally or sexually abusive environment live in a state of chaos. My clients have reported to feel like they were “walking on eggshells,” just waiting for the next event. This creates a pervasive fear or constant fight-or-flight response. A common core belief developed by children in this situation is, “something bad is going to happen.” Children are genius at finding ways to defend themselves psychologically from uncomfortable situations so they become hypervigilant, constantly scanning their environment for danger and adopt danger avoiding behaviors. This belief system can follow children as they develop into adults who then walk through my office door complaining of constant worry, rumination, sleep disturbances and trouble concentrating. They’re still operating under the belief system that “something bad” will happen to them! The belief system developed in their chaotic childhood environment has remained with them. Do they still need the protective shield they used as children? If the person is recapitulating the abusive dynamic in their current relationships, then maybe, “yes.” But I’ve found that more times than not, they are operating under a belief that no longer applies to their environment but is only causing them unnecessary distress.
People who’ve lived in a home with high expectations from their parents can also develop problematic core beliefs. Parents who push kids to achieve need to be careful not to be sending the message, “My love is conditional on what you do.” This can yield a child who believes that he/she must perform or do something really well to be accepted. After all, the most important people in the world to children are their parents. It would make perfect sense that they’d do anything they could do be loved and accepted! A core belief that the child can adopt and be distressing to them throughout their life is, “I am lovable for what I do not who I am.” What a set-up! How can anyone do things well enough constantly to get the validation they need under these circumstances? Adults who suffer anxiety symptoms often struggle with perfectionism, or the need to reach the highest possible bar. Clients I’ve had with this situation complain of feeling like they’re on a “hamster wheel” and that it’s never enough. Often they come to me physically and emotionally exhausted.
Children who grew up with anxious parents almost can’t help internalizing a certain amount of anxiety themselves. We model so much of the behaviors we see from our primary caretakers, learn about how to be in relationship, how to interact with others and the world. Those who had a highly anxious mother are particularly susceptible to having their own anxiety disorders. Infants are more tuned in to their mother’s state of being than we think – they can pick up information from the quality or quantity of touch, attention, energy in the room, etc.
Problematic belief systems developed in childhood can be challenged and the symptoms around them (anxiety) can be decreased and distinguished all together. The way that I’ve found that works for me is to understand the source (family of origin or other significant life events), develop empathy and validation for the adult’s experience at that time, normalize the defenses erected as protective measures in a vulnerable environment, reframe the core beliefs about self and teach cognitive-behavioral skills such as identifying and disrupting irrational thinking styles. A helpful way to conceptualize this is to separate the adult experience from the child’s – and identify the idea that they both reside within the client! I often will ask, “When you experiencing all that reactivity, who’s driving the bus, the adult or the child?” I’ve never heard anyone tell me that their adult rational mind was in charge at that moment. Honoring the child’s experience and normalizing the development of these unhelpful belief systems can also help lead to the resolution of anxiety. If symptoms are significantly impacting the client, medication management can be a good partner to the previously described therapy.
————————————-
Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist in Marin County, California. See more anxiety articles by Lisa and other therapy professionals in The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.
Want to stay connected to The Toolbox? Here are a few ways:
- Subscribe to The Monthly Toolbox Newsletter for marriage, relationship, emotional and mental health articles, tips and tools from the prior month.
- Like The Toolbox on Facebook
- Follow Lisa on Twitter
- Connect on LinkedIn
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
7 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Thank you so much. You have described me perfectly, especially the ‘walking on eggshells’ phrase. I just need to come to terms with it.
ER Toner,
I’m glad to know this resonated with you and that perhaps you are inspired to look at what’s gone on for you. I’ve worked with many therapy clients who are adults who continue to operate in a “walking on eggshells” mode in their relationships, often when it’s not necessary. It’s an understandable coping skill that was clearly useful for them at one time!
Good luck to you.
Lisa
Hi there, I am 54 years old, married almost 20 years and have got 17 year old twins. I have done a huge amount of thinking in the last 20 years and it was only as a result of getting married, that I eventually saw the “Light!!”.
I have had 4 breakdowns in the space of 30 years, each one leading to agoraphobia, anxiety and panic! My 3rd breakdown was on honeymoon on Barbados!
Thing is my dad was emotionally abusive most of my life and I spent my whole life walking on egg shells. He rejected me when I needed him most. He did everything he could to push me away and I was never accepted for who I was. I loved him but his treatment of me was atrocious. Even on one of his better days when he was having a laugh, I never felt safe or at ease with him. I am not on my own when I say that either.
I got married when I was 35 and moved 250 miles away from the family home to be with my new husband who was in the army at that time. We had a distance relationship before the wedding and it worked perfectly. We were on Cloud 9. But I broke down on honeymoon and as our plane was going down the runway and back to the uk, I was in the airport medical centre being pumped full of valium!
We got home eventually and the anxiety lasted for about 4 months. But no sooner had we moved into our new home together than I started erecting a barrier between me and hubby. It took me some time to see it but it was obvious when I did. Basically, inwardly, I was abusing hubby emotionally as my dad had done to me! Finally I asked myself why? What is the benefit of this behavior? Thats when the answer came and I acknowledged for the first time that dads behavior amounted to emotional abuse and my barrier would keep a distance between me and hubby.
The barrier has been there ever since. I have been for counselling several times over the years but nothing has got me to a place where I want to be. And all because my dad was emotionally abusive and didnt accept me for who I was, never told me he loved me, nothing.
As things are now, I am in a very lonely marriage. And my husband is emotionally absent. He doesnt bother with the kids and that does nothing to help my barrier come down. In fact it probably keeps it firmly glued in place if anything. We dont communicate as we should. Hubby is terrified of confrontation and have been known to stop conversations if he thinks they will end up with argument etc!!!
Am I happy? No. Thanks for reading.
Shirl
7th January 2012
Hi Shirl,
Thank you for sharing your very personal story. It sounds as though you’ve done a lot of work around this in therapy but there may be more left. You mentioned you’d done some individual therapy unsuccessfully. I would encourage you to try again with someone else. It might be you haven’t found the right fit for you to help you really push through the insight phase into real change. Another thought I have is to pursue couples therapy with your husband. His family of origin experiences may be blocking him as well. It’s possible you trigger each other’s old wounds!
I strongly encourage you to keep trying. This is not only your issue – but an issue of his and the marriage. What we know is that as people can be wounded via early relationships – they can also heal through them.
Best of luck,
Lisa
Hi Lisa, Sorry for the delay. I hadnt really expected you to get back to me so thank you very much for your reply. I really appreciate it. Yes I have done a lot of work but largely I have figured a lot of it out by myself and in my own time!!! I think that there is a lot of work left to do and no, individual therapy has not been successful. Not got me to a place where I wanted to be. I agree, may be I never found the right therapist. And the other problem is of course that its so expensive. But I agree, I need to push through the insight phase and into change. I dont think that hubby would go for couple counselling though. I think that hubbys upbringing has a real lot to answer for but he is in denial, completely. I would get more sense if I tried to speak to a brick wall! Sorry. I had never thought that me and hubby may be triggering each others old wounds. Thats an interesting comment and one I will give some thought to. Yes It is hubbys issue as well as mine isnt it. I think me and hubby have both been severely wounded via early relationships. No doubt about that. Had I been aware of the extent of damage I suffered as a result of dad being emotionally abusive, I would have never gotten married. Thing is I loved my dad but all he did was reject me. And whilst my logical mind says that not all men are like that, my subconscious wont let go of it. Emotionally speaking I cant let it go. Even at my age – almost 55 years old. I feel I should have gotten over this years ago but I never have done. Thank you again for your reply and sorry I am so late with mine. Shirl
Best of luck to you Shirley. Please know it’s never too late to heal and rewire your brain from your earlier learned conditioned responses. You might find this piece helpful:
5 Ways to Rewire Your Brain for Happiness and Peace of Mind
I also recommend the books, Healing the Shame That Binds You – and Rewire Your Brain for Love if you’re not finding therapy a viable option at this time.
Lisa
Hi Lisa, Many thanks for your kind reply to my message. I will go and have a look at your link when I have got more time and also I will look on Amazon for the books you mention. Therapy is unfortunately not a viable option right now. Many thanks again. Shirl x