6 Secret Qualities of Happy People
If there’s one thing that we all seek – it’s happiness. I’ve never met a person who has
told me they didn’t want to be happy, have you? It’s a fundamental human desire regardless of whether people believe they can attain it.
When I do individual therapy, I have the opportunity to sit down with people as they present their concerns to me – whatever they may be. They usually seek therapy because they’re experiencing some level of emotional distress – and are fundamentally unhappy. I’ve noticed that a number of things come up over and over for people as reasons why this is so. There are certain things they either have – or don’t have – and with this information I’ve come to my own understanding of a question posed by many:
“What makes people happy?”
What do they have that others don’t? What’s their secret?
1) Absence of Toxic Shame: In the book, “Healing the Shame That Binds You,” John Bradshaw describes the difference between “healthy vs toxic shame” in that, “Healthy shame is an emotion which signals us about our limits…and keeps us grounded,” where “Toxic shame is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that I am flawed and defective as a human being.” Truly happy people have a strong sense of themselves and their value, in other words, an absence of toxic shame. This usually comes from a nurturing, loving and supportive experience in their families of origin. There are many reasons why people struggle with toxic shame. I find it often lies at the core of some depression, anxiety and perfectionism.
2) Absence of Resentment: Really happy people seem to be more successful at forgiveness. In addition, they often haven’t personalized the experience to the degree that others do. When you are good at letting things go – you don’t drag the burden of resentment around with you. Those who hold onto anger or grudges towards others for long periods of time can experience internal emotional distress that leads to bitterness, frustration and often health problems. They can also struggle with depression and excessive anger.
3) Living their Passion: People who are doing work that is satisfying to them, whether they simply enjoy showing up every day – or is more rewarding on a deeper level – tend to be happier. The same applies to those who have found a hobby or cause that brings them joy, whether it’s associated with work or not. Those who dislike their jobs and truly hate getting up every day to go to work tend to have an underlying baseline of life dissatisfaction that can lead to unhappiness. This is particularly true if they’re not engaging in something outside of work that touches that energizing place inside of them – which could atleast partially offset the impact of their unrewarding job.
4) Dreams for the Future: Those who have hopes, plans and excitement for the future are typically happier. They believe they can carry out their dreams – and can actually visualize them coming true. People who struggle with imagining what their futures might hold often don’t really believe that good things could actually happen for them. It’s possible their past or present have been so dismal that they’re unable to project positive things for the future. This is a very common belief of those struggling with depression. They may believe, “I can’t,” or “I don’t deserve.”
5) Ability to Stay in the Moment: Those who have mastered the skill to stay present – or in the moment – tend to be happier. Future worry is common for many people. Those who struggle with anxiety and depression often experience intense worry about about all sorts of things that can or might happen, so much so that the thinking creates an unpleasant emotional experience as if it’s actually occurred!
6) Connections to People: Happy people usually are connected to other people by supportive and loving relationships, no matter whether a few or many. There could be an argument that there are exceptions to this, but by and large, people need other people. From the time we are born, we seek to form attachments to our primary caregivers. Depending on the quality of these attachments, we will usually seek to form friendships and then – intimate partnerships. I’ve found that many unhappy people feel disconnected in some way to others – which can be very painful. Sometimes they are afraid to connect and other times their behavior is disconnecting. Regardless, for those who believe they need other people – and feel alone – a deep sense of unhappiness is common.
Like I mentioned previously, no matter who or where we are in this world, one of the ties that binds us together is the desire for happiness. Many of us know someone who seems to be a truly happy person. There’s something almost magical about them, their level of serenity, joy and state of “knowing” that everything will work out. And if doesn’t, it will still eventually be ok. I imagine that this person likely has all of the 6 happiness qualities I mentioned above. There are so many things that influence our emotional and psychological development. I believe that barring environmental chaos, (war, poverty, living conditions, etc) and severe psychological disturbance, we all have the ability to be “happy.”
It can require a bit of work to tackle the things that might be blocking us from that very achievable goal – shame, resentment, lack of dreams, future worry, isolation and/or lack of a life passion.
The great news is my work as a therapist has allowed me glimpses into what’s possible – that with desire for change and happiness, it is attainable for most of us. Does it require hard work sometimes? Absolutely; as do many things we care about.
What are your thoughts on happiness and the list above? Any points you’d like to add?
————————————
Lisa Brookes Kift is a therapist in Marin County, California, writer and creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, with tools for emotional and relationship health.
Want to stay connected? Here are a few ways:
- Subscribe to The Monthly Toolbox Newsletter for marriage, relationship, emotional and mental health articles, tips and tools from the prior month.
- Follow on Twitter
- “Like” on Facebook
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
8 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
what a wonderful summary of the multiple systems that generate/sustain a happiness-matrix experience for us Lisa. Found you through Marsha’s FB.
In my experience it seems # 3 is the spark that if missing, makes all the others so difficult and heavy…find a flame no matter how tiny and fan it…all the others begin to burn away.
Well put!!! …much happiness to you in your practice ~ matt
Thank you Matthew! I appreciate the feedback and am thrilled that you found me through Marsha, one of my favorite mentors in neuroscience. Best to you as well!
A very smart and easy to follow summary of happiness!!
Your observation on the first two points (Absence of Toxic shame and absence of resentment) is very sharp!
Thank you Lisa :)
dr. Tessa (Indonesia)
Glad you enjoyed it Dr. Tessa! I’m glad that it resonated with you.
Sometimes, #6 isn’t always attainable, through no fault of the person’s own. They may have little or not familial contacts. Research has shown that the connections must be more than superficial or “business-like” and instead should be emotional, hence spousal, parental and deep friendships are much more sustaining and nourishing — but again, sometimes unattainable. Does that mean that these individuals are doomed to be unhappy? I believe so. Many times loneliness is out of our control
Precious Star,
Thank you for your comment. I agree that some don’t have the benefit of family and friends as much as others. For people who are inherently more disconnected and want connection, it requires effort to make those connections. This can take the form of joining clubs, meet-up groups or other attempts to meet others – to ideally make deeper friendships that are more “sustaining and nourishing.”
No, I don’t think people who don’t have quality connections are “doomed” to be unhappy. I do know that we are born wired to connect to others. Insecure attachments with parents or primary caregivers often keeps people from trusting connection – or fearing it.
The good news – people who are less trusting of relationships can rewire their brains with new, positive experiences. But yes – it takes effort and intent.
I’ve found working with clients on defining/discerning the differences between being alone and lonely can be helpful. Reflecting on the loneliness of a crowded cocktail party vs the complete sense of inclusion while observing a beautiful sunset by oneself helps reframe the circumstance and the subsequent emotional/biochemical responses.
Yoga therapeutics also highlights the misperception of separateness as the core of all suffering in Patajali’s Yoga Sutra’s on the Klesha’s. Once the misperception is discovered, then many of the fears and barriers around meeting new people and social engagement fall away generating a virtuous cycle and the experience of joy/happiness.
Just some non-traditional ramblings…thx for the discussion everyone!
Dr. Taylor,
Thank you for your input. Yes, discerning the difference between “alone” and “lonely” is important. I’m not so sure that your comments about yoga are necessarily as “non-traditional” as the perhaps they once were. Yoga is being embraced by many for a number of benefits including physical health, mindful awareness training and reflection.
Lisa